My aunt was at Sydney Mardi Gras ‘07

I had lunch with my aunt and uncle on Good Friday. This was different from the usual family lunch because there were only the three of us. After we ate, my uncle left first to go play golf, so my aunt and I continued chatting. Soon, and without warning, she turned the conversation to my Lesbianism. I breathed slowly and wondered where it was going. This uncle and aunt (my mother’s brother, and his wife) are the ones I am closest to because my sister and I used to live with them for a period of time. I came out to them just over a year ago. The way that they have reacted is that they still love me and treat me no different than they did before, but only now they pray for me more. They still think that being gay is a sin, but they continue to “Love the Sinner”. So, with this background, I was wondering how the conversation would go.

She began by relating her experience at the Mardi Gras parade in Sydney this year. She and my uncle had gone to Sydney to visit my cousin who is in university there. Their visit had coincided with the Mardi Gras weekend, and because my uncle and another friend of theirs had never seen such a parade, they decided to watch it. My aunt then told me that she had once watched the Mardi Gras parade in Perth. At this point I was thinking “Wow, my aunt has been to more Mardi Gras parades than I have!” A few years ago, she was on holiday with her mother, visiting my sister who was then studying in Perth, and coincidentally their trip had been on the Mardi Gras weekend too. The three of them were having dinner in a restaurant which happened to be along the parade route and when it started they thought “Hey, let’s go see what it’s all about.” My aunt and my sister soon figured out it was a gay parade, but anyway they enjoyed the bright colours and decorated floats and lively atmosphere. Even my aunt’s mother had a good time, now and then she would ask my aunt in Cantonese why 'the people were dressed so oddly'.

Until now I had not known about this adventure of theirs, so I thought it was a very funny story. Then she began telling me about her more recent experience in Sydney this year. She was with my uncle, and they had a friend who lives in Sydney but has never seen the parade. So the three of them decided to go and watch it. They were standing near Hyde Park on the parade route waiting for it to start. Then, in trying to get to a better viewing spot, they walked down a side lane where there were many floats waiting for the cue. And as they walked past the floats with many people on board, my aunt started feeling very uneasy. She put it down to the fact that she does not like crowded noisy places.

She continued to walk with my uncle and their friend, and while there were (of course) many guys showing off their chiseled bodies wearing only swimming trunks, she noticed that some of their trunks were printed with lewd and degrading words. The men and women on all the floats were obviously thoroughly enjoying themselves, and the air itself seemed to be thick with the carnival atmosphere. But to my aunt, it felt as if they were celebrating pure hedonism. It seemed to be indulgence with wanton abandon, to the point of debauchery and even humiliation. And she thought to herself that if this is what being gay is all about, she doesn’t want that for me. And after about ten more minutes, she felt so uneasy that she and my uncle had to leave the parade vicinity and find a quiet place to sit.

While I was listening to her relating this experience, various thoughts were flitting through my mind. I thought of the debate in our own community about diversity, and about how society tends to label all queer people simply based on their perception of the small slice that they have heard about. They then develop stereotypes like “gay men all walk around in leather and PVC and are into S&M”.

I also was thinking of the best response I should give, after hearing her tale. I know that she meant well towards me, but just slightly misguided and misinformed. I decided not to directly refute all her preconceptions and false premises. I knew that it would take more than just one afternoon of words and debate to tear down all the presuppositions that have been etched into her subconscious and unconscious mind.

She said she can’t help thinking that in my life, I have been failed by too many men, and hence have turned to women. I let her talk, while in my mind I was asking God for strength and composure, and for answers. I wanted to know what lesson He planned for me to learn from this conversation with my aunt. I tried to keep my mind relaxed and open, instead of occupying brain cells with shooting up rebuttals to her points.

She said that she and my uncle struggle with it, and that they have been praying for me. She believes that being gay is just a segment of my journey on earth, and that there must be a purpose for God “allowing me to be gay”. I do somewhat agree with her, in that it must be some part of God’s plan and that He does have a mission for me. I believe that He created me the way I am, and He is not simply “tolerating this gay phase that I have chosen to indulge in”. To me, being gay or straight or Chinese or female or tall or short is just secondary; it is more important to make the best use of the talents that God has blessed me with, to develop into the person that He wants me to become.

She also said that she knows that I struggle with it too. Yes, it is true to a certain extent that I struggle with being a lesbian. But the struggle isn’t the “Is it right or wrong” issue. I struggle because my aunt struggles, because my uncle, my sister, and other people close to me struggle with it. I struggle and fight for their understanding and acceptance. I battle against their prejudices and convictions. My struggle comes about because this war has to be waged diplomatically and slowly and lovingly. They are my family, and it is very hard to fight with people you love and who love you.

She told me that I am a beautiful person who loves life, but recently she feels that this spark has been hidden, and she thinks it is because I became a lesbian. I think that there is a simple explanation for this. Since I started identifying myself as lesbian, I have had to keep some aspects of my life a secret from other people. And with this cautious self-censorship, it would appear from the outside that I am more reticent and less forthcoming. When I am with family or colleagues, every word has been carefully planned and thoroughly filtered before being uttered. Also having seen more of the world and met more people, I am more wary and less spontaneous.

She ended by saying that she and my uncle love me no less than they did before they knew about my gayness. I am thankful for this, that I do not have to prove that I am worthy of love. I am also thankful that they are open to talking about the whole gay issue. I have given them a couple of books which I hope they will read. And I will continue to live my life trying to listen for God’s prompting towards whatever direction that He has set out for me.