My family: Not chosen

It would be easy for me to say that family is chosen, not given, and that wherever I feel comfortable is where home is. But they’re there, and there’s no where else I can belong to, whether I want to or not. Maybe in some ways I’m in a lucky position to say such a thing: my family didn’t turn me away when I came out, and they still love me as they always have. I don’t have to go search for another place, another home, because mine’s still there for me. But my family is not the most progressive one you can find. While my parents are very liberal minded in many ways, in others they are still quite conservative. They retain the traditional Chinese family values, and addition to that they are faithful Catholics. I won’t pretend that my coming out didn’t cause any emotional conflict for them both, and I can’t ask more than just acceptance. I have that and I am grateful for it, but though terrible it may sound, sometimes I wish they had reacted more extremely.

See, my problem is I have to walk the line between respecting their beliefs and their hope for me to find my way to be happy, and just to ignore their idea of what my happiness is and look somewhere else for guidance and recognition.

An inherent quality of a Chinese family is that one person’s business eventually becomes everyone else’s. Whether I marry or not is the concern of my parents, grandparents, my parents’ siblings, my cousins, my grandparents’ siblings, and whoever is around to catch the news. It’s not at all a horrible thing — if you take the “right” steps and do the right thing, you’ll have lots of people to share your joy and accomplishment with, and I can’t deny enjoying moments of family gathering when the occassion arose. Growing up in a fairly tight family (extended included), I have to admit that receiving approval from my family in all aspects of my life is something that would make me happy. I know, a lot of people tell me my happiness is my own to seek, and I don’t need to accomodate my family to achieve that. It doesn’t have to be their business. But even if you may not understand, it is. Even though I live across the Pacific Ocean from the rest of them and I’m pretty much free to do anything here, I feel that eventually I’ll have to answer to them. All of them. And it would matter to me.

But at the same time, I can’t imagine coming out to the rest of my family. I cannot picture having to defend my own happiness in front of the very people who ultimately, behind criticisms, just want me to be happy, but don’t understand that I would if they could just let me be, and believe me when I say that I am.

Over the phone, when I came out to my mom, she said, “you know, you’ve never really been close to a guy before. Maybe if you met someone and you manage to form a close relationship, you can still share that bond,” and when I tried to say something, she simply asked, “just try, ok? you never know.” I couldn’t say no, even though I knew I wouldn’t try that hard.

My struggle with my family is this: I know they love me, I know I’m accepted, but I can’t find my place in it. I can’t turn my back on them — I really have no reason to, and it would be the most horrible thing to do after all the love and patience they’ve given me. And I feel terribly spoiled and ungrateful for complaining about this, when a lot of us have to face rejection and denial from their families. But to indulge myself for another second — if my family had done that, then it would be up to myself to look for a family elsewhere.

But I guess I shouldn’t say that as if I’ll be able to find one that’s better. Family’s family, and it is what it is. I don’t know if you believe that members of a blood family share something special between them, maybe genes and whatever form they manifest in. I suppose I do, even if I might just be brought up or taught to. But I am who I am because of them, I can’t deny that. If I turn away, I’ll be denying a part of myself.

I remember my dad once said to me, “Of course you might get along better with your friends. You chose your friends; you didn’t get to choose your family. But you’ll come to realize that family is something different: friends come and go, and at the end of the day, your family will still be there for you.”

So I guess even if I wanted to walk away, they’d still be there.