Coming out… an ongoing process.

Coming out is not about lesbians only.
Coming out requires giving others a better understanding of double standards, of the concepts of diversity and the freedom to live in harmony with one another. It is about crossing boundaries… whether racial, religious, gender.. or sexual orientation.

After the forum organized by Sayoni during IndigNation, some people gave this feedback: The coming out stories are too rosy. They cannot identify with it.

Yes, coming out is a long-drawn process. Things don’t change over night…
The thing about people is..
They may understand what you are trying to say at that point in time; they may see the logic behind your stand.
But old habits die hard… and i find myself repeating when they automatically fall back on stereotypical cruel jokes on the queer community.

You see… our mind is filled with schemas. Which are elaborate networks of inter-related information. As people grow up, people group information together. Ideas like “lesbian” and “gay” elicit other ideas like “ephemeral relationships” and “bad”. So, each time we reason with someone, we are modifying the schema. But it is difficult to modify the entire schema at once.

Plenty of people have come up to me and gave me lines like: “You are so lucky that your mother understands.”

Yes, she understands. But no, she does not completely understand.
She understands that love is regardless of gender. She understands that straight relationships do not promise happiness, and that gay unions can provide sweet and loving companionship.
But there are certain mentalities that she holds on to… such as homosexuality is a hot trend. A trend that people can “catch” and precipitate the demise of the human race. And thus, flowing from this line, we should not allow gay people to be open about their sexuality.

And this mindset is so strong, it takes an elaborate explanation to pull her out of that paradigm. Sometimes she walks right back into the pit after some weeks… and the process repeats itself.

Just a couple of weeks back, she told me something about living up to people’s expectations.
“No matter how successful you are, being gay means that people will throw stones at you.”
To which i responded,
“No matter how close to perfection you are, as long as people want to pick bones, they will do so. There is no one in this world that everyone else would put their hands together for a resounding applause (mother’s pet phrase).”
She said, “Yes, noone can earn the praises of everyone in the world. Which is why we should not be affected by what people say.”
“Ahah!” I went, “Therefore, i cannot live for others (whims and fancies).”

Tiring? Yes, it is.
But with each time i bother with an explanation, i believe that we are making progress.

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I come out because… When new friends ask, “So are you attached?”, i want to say, “Yes” and look forward to the next question, “Who is she?”

I have been told…
“Sexual orientation is not something to be wore on your sleeves. It’s private and is not anyone’s business.”
“Coming out does not exist in my vocabulary. Why should i declare that i am gay when straight folks don’t declare they are straight?”

I think the phrase “out, loud and proud” has been misunderstood by some. Being out, loud and proud doesn’t necessary mean we go around telling everyone out there, “Hey, i am gay and what can you do about it? Neh Ni Neh Ni Booo Boooooo!” Coming out is not an “attack” on homophobes per se. It goes way beyond that…

I come out because… When my mother ask me why i am spending so much time with a specific girl, i want to say, “Because i love her…”

Coming out to people i care about means that…
I am finally free to speak my mind.
I don’t have to worry about slips of the tongue; inconsistent stories and lies.
I can share my life with those i care about- openly.
I am giving my friends a chance to show me that they are indeed my friends, who can accept me as i am.
I am giving my parents a chance to show me that they love me, not because i fulfill their aspirations, but because they really do love me.
I have a chance to educate them about what it means to be gay, to challenge their arguments, thus dispelling myths and general misconceptions.
I am giving these people an opportunity to see how human i am and thus, how human “gayness” is. (Ya, sure, i have my cranky times… but who doesn’t!?)

I come out because… when people ask me, “are you sure?”, i want to tell them without hesitation, “yes!”