EARLY ENCOUNTERS
7.
I was starting to really plunge into the absolute abyss of self-doubt by the time I was 20. Taking a vacation job as a fitness instructor only served to open more avenues to explore my nagging questions. As a fitness mentor to several women every week, I found myself deeply gratified by my new position. It was a combination of egocentricity and the Svengali-ishly rewarding sensation of being these women’s ideal physical form. They would hang on my every word and depend on me to make their otherwise mundane work day a little more bearable with my light-hearted aerobics sessions. One particular student in her mid-20s caught my attention because she was not only at my class punctually but regularly. Although there were other instructors at hand, she would wait for my later class even if she had arrived at the gym earlier. She also encompassed what I would define as a beautiful woman – big hazel-shaped eyes, well-chiseled cheekbone structure and most importantly, an alluring smile which left me wondering what was behind it sometimes. I found myself looking forward to her attendance and even slighted if she didn’t turn up. The day my hamstring injury rendered me immobile in the middle of class, she quickly rose to the moment and offered to lead it for me with my verbal instruction (how bizarre). And when I had to quit as a result of that, she stopped attending and to me that was a coincidence I appreciated with private gratitude. We rarely spoke but it was that quiet acknowledgement of mutual admiration I’ll never forget.
From that stint I also learned that I may have been sending out these gay vibes or at least of my sexual ambiguity without intention. In this class was also another individual who started out keeping that professional distance until one evening when everyone had left, she came over from where I was cooling off behind the counter and remarked that I had very firm breasts. Thinking she wanted a few tips on attaining that form, I proceeded to demonstrate a few moves with the equipment to which she playfully asked if she could feel them (not the moves). This instantly shot a sensation of absolute revulsion and made me realise I could never handle a physical homosexual relationship (well thinking back now of course it was because she wasn’t my type!) And I confirmed this notion a week later when the same woman accosted me to apply ointment on her shoulders for abrasions she got from doing leq-squats at the weights machine. Although I handed the tube to her, she insisted coyly that I applied it for her. It made me think about how the physical closeness of another woman could be too frightening to deal with.
leading the pack
8.
Two years later and I met the man I would later marry. Prior to this, I had just spent a heart-wrenching year in a relationship in which the man-child played the field and kept me constantly wondering if we were going anywhere. Turns out decades later (as you’ll see in the later chapter) that he was grappling with his own sexual identity himself! Anyway, I clung on to that relationship only because I thought I had finally found someone who was unlike the typical male brute but was sensitive to the inner woman (there ya go!). The problem was that the relationship was too cerebral and I found myself doing too many stop-checks, analysing the nuances of each remark or gesture he made. It was so emotionally and mentally draining that I swore to myself that if it didn’t work out, I would rather be celibate or even explore my dormant gay orientation.
21, with exngbf competing for sexiness
But my future husband was the antithesis of the man before him. He made the dynamics of a relationship so simple – too simple – so much so I found myself quickly drawn into the whirlwind of his courtship. He was a reassuring force to my otherwise fragile ego from a failed relationship. He made me accept the unconventional femininity which was I and even admired my unusually strong amazonian persona. He quietly loved and accepted me for the weird yet alluring personality he saw and I found myself believing that this was indeed what everyone calls, “true love”. I hardly agonized over this relationship the way I did others before it and quite predictably I knew that this would be the one I would marry since it seemed sensible to me that your life-long companion should be an agreeable creature, a best friend and on occasion, a considerate lover. And he seemed to fit the bill.
straight-loving & engaged, 23