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Where do I go from here?

on . Posted in Coming Out.

So today at 5pm I’m supposed to go meet up with my aunt’s ex-gay friend. (How did this happen?)

Yes! I finally came out to my uncle and aunt. This was two Thursdays ago (every time we have dinner at their house it seems to be a Thursday). After dinner, we were still loitering around the dinner table, and I said to my uncle ‘I have something to tell you, I am gay.’

It was something like jumping into a chilly swimming pool on a hot day. You are comfy and warm on the deck chair. Yet you know you want to go into the pool. You know it’s going to be deliciously cold and refreshing once you’re in, but you also know that the transition, the split second that the icy water hits your sun-warmed skin, is going to be a jolt. So you steel your nerves, grit your teeth, take a deep breath and jump in.

And once I had said it, it really was kinda like being underwater; a shiver ran through my body and I was still holding my breath and adjusting to the shock of the transition. And there was silence. A few seconds where everything sounded very distant and dull.

I said to my uncle ‘But you knew that already, didn’t you?’ and he nodded. Finally he started talking again; there were questions, I answered honestly and openly; my aunt needed to fetch a glass of water, her spectacles and her Bible; my sister and cousin sat quietly just giving me moral support; and on the whole it went quite well.

Actually I didn’t expect or anticipate any particular outcome. I just prepared myself for the worst. I had checked my wallet to ensure I had enough money for cab fare home (in case they reacted and said ‘We will no longer be letting you drive our spare car’). I told myself that if they wanted to be out of my life because they couldn’t accept who I am, then that would be (painful, but) OK too.

So, considering it was none of these worst-case-scenarios, I would say it went quite well. In summary, they could not find any logical reason why being gay is wrong, they still love me, but they just cannot resolve the Bible part.

My aunt tried to share with me by plucking verses out of the Bible to demonstrate that being gay is wrong, and I tried to counter with the arguments that I had learnt, the conversation was sprinkled with words like context, idol-worship, Baal, Paul said and committed-monogamous-same-sex-modern-day relationship.
And lots of But!s.

But there was quite a lot of respect and understanding on both my part and theirs. My aunt told me that she has two friends who are very ‘filled with the Spirit’ and she wished for me to give them a chance to share with me about the Word, and to open my heart because God might ‘speak to me’ through them. So I told her OK, I will meet and chat with these ladies just because she wants me to. And she said ‘Thank you.’

So this is why this afternoon I will have a chat with one of the abovementioned ladies, who was also a lesbian for 20 years of her life, and has now ‘come out of it by God’s power’.

When my aunt said that she thinks I should talk to her friends, my first instinct was to object, to get defensive and retort with ‘No, why should I talk to them? Being gay is not a sin! They can’t change my mind!’’
But then I got hold of my emotions, and I reasoned that if I am really truly gay, and if we all know that in all probability I am not going to wake up tomorrow morning and find I’m suddenly straight, then why should I be scared of a little chat?
And if God really wanted to make me straight, He would do that in His [or Her ] own good time, regardless whether I do or do not meet up with these ladies.

Well I would be lying if I said that I am not a little nervous about the 5pm meeting today, but I know that although it may be difficult, I trust that God knows how much of a challenge I can withstand, and He would not put in my path anything that would be too great for me to handle. I trust that He has led me through many difficult times thus far, and He will continue to, and all I have to do is surrender to His Plan.

I am also praying that He gives me strength, patience, an open mind and open heart. Because from the coming-out episode with my aunt and uncle, it became clear to me that some straight people can be truly clueless. But I do not blame them; I don’t expect them to understand. There is a certain way that they have understood the world all the past 50 years, and suddenly li’l ol’ me is trying to convince them that what they have been taught is wrong. I know it will take time, and I know I can’t convince them with logic alone.

But I do not regret coming out to my aunt and uncle. It was not an easy step to have taken, but now I am gearing up for the path that is unfolding before me. I am sure it will be exciting. I always hold on to the thought that God created me Special for a reason, and I want to live according to the purpose that He has set out for me.


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