In the closet no more

Today is the first day of me reading your blog. I feel somewhat connected to it, as though it were the story of my life, past, present and future. Everyday I wake up and I am faced with the prospect of living in a close minded society. I live in Malaysia and it being a Muslim country, there are a lot of restrictions and people are narrow minded when it comes to GLBT right. Our mere presence in this society is a burden to them for they see us as parasites, leeches. We bring shame to the community.

However, what they fail to see, I think, is that we are also human. We live and breathe the same air and we need and want the same things. Though we may never have equal rights as those of the straight, we dream of a day when we can hold our partners’ hand in public without glares and sneers from people around us. I have lived my life bending to societal views of me and my kind of people. I have never thought of confronting them about these issues as I find it pointless.

I was previously in a relationship with a closet lesbian. She confided that she indeed loved women however, she was afraid of how people would look at her. I was often ‘left out’ when it came to meeting friends. I was bleeped out as though I didn’t matter and it hurt.

I guess when society does it, you figure that it is society’s blindness and ignorance that makes them behave the way they do. But when your own partner shows you such disdain, such want to hide you and not even regard you enough as a friend to be introduced to her friends, you feel hurt. You feel betrayed. Suffice to say, the relationship didn’t work out. I tried being in the shadows, where she’d rather me be but I found that it was difficult to not be recognised by my own partner.

Recently, I met a girl. She is someone whom I’ve known for a long time but only now, do I have romantic feelings for her. It is amazing how in the short span of a month, she has shown me just what love really is. She is open about her feelings and isn’t ashamed of me. She introduces me to her close friends as her gf and they accept me for that. These are her straight friends, mind you. She has even mentioned to her sister that she has a gf. That meant a lot to me. It showed me that she was not only proud to have me as her gf but that she was proud of ‘us’. She wasn’t ashamed of being a lesbian and neither was she ashamed of being in love.

Me… I’ve found coming out easy. I told my best friend first and her reaction was pure joy. She did not discrimate. She loved me more, in fact. When people ask me if I’m straight, I reply that I do like boys but I now have a gf whom I love very much. Those that judge me, I ignore. Those that are happy for me, I feel happy for them.

To my friends who’ve loved me and accepted me for all that I am, I love you guys. I do. There is nothing more I could ask from you. You have given me love and support even in times when I’ve not asked for it. To my baby. Happy 2 months anniversary. I want you. I need you. Thank you for being the wonderful person that you are.