(I am only out to 3 family members, but coming out to this aunt and uncle represents a big step because I am closest to them; my uncle was my legal guardian after my mother passed away, and they continue to look out for, and care for, my sister and me.)
Last Thursday seemed like a better time than most. (And I’ve been told that there will NEVER be a ‘good’ time to come out to family.) It seemed like a good time because 1) we hadn’t planned on meeting them but my sister smsed me in the day and asked if I would be free to have dinner at their house. So it seemed like I was being presented with The Opportunity to meet with them and talk to them, just when I’d been thinking about it. And 2) They seemed to be in a good mood. Light-hearted and friendly. And 3) I was all psyched up after talking to Sandy and Janet, this lesbian couple from California; Sandy’s a pastor, and Janet is a missionary, and they came to visit our church and spend some time with us the week before last. And the main message that spoke to me the most was the fact that we are not here on earth to please other people. We are accountable only to our Heavenly Father. And what’s more, She has a great plan for us. And the fact that She created us Special, as LGBT people, means she wants to use us for Extraordinary things.
There are other Very Good Reasons why I shouldn’t make an issue out of coming out to them. Like the fact that I am an adult; I don’t depend on them for a place to stay; they can’t disown me (not being my parents in the first place); and I am doing nothing wrong by being gay.
But somehow, something always stops me from blurting out the words. I can’t seem to gather the courage. I tell myself that there is no reason to change the way things are right now. I anticipate that they will think less of me. Somehow my resolve falters, and I change my mind, and think ‘Maybe there will be a better time to tell them’’
When LUSH first started, I thought to myself, ‘But I don’t think that being gay is a sin. So that means that I am not conflicted. So I won’t have anything in common with the other girls in the group who DO think that it is a sin to be gay.’
But as I thought about it more, I realized that ‘being conflicted’ doesn’t simply mean thinking that being gay is a sin. I realized that my eternal struggle to proudly come out to my family is a reflection that I am also conflicted in a sense.
And this is one of my struggles. I continually search myself. Do I really claim that ‘I can do everything through Him who gives me strength’ (Phil 4:13)? Psalm 139:13-16 says ‘For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.’
And yet, the turmoil within me churns on…
Comments
chrisitian, gay, woman said,
February 16, 2006 at 2:11 am
What the .. ??!!! “She” has a special plan for us?? God may not be gender specific but to call him a She is preposterous. Don’t take this gay pride thing too far and twist the Bible into something it is not. For one thing, the Bible has always referred to the personhood of God as “He” and never ever as a “She”. While the argument goes that God is neither male or female, it does not allow us the liberty to call him something he is not. I’m sure people through the last 5000 years or so would have known what to refer to him and “she” is not one of them.
What an insult. I’m a gay woman, lesbian if you must, who is also a Christian and a staunch believer at that. I am a Christian who just so happens to have gender-leanings not in line with the general populace, but no matter, i hold the Bible – God’s word – in the highest esteem, first, second and third person referrals included. Please, give him more respect.
chrisitian, gay, woman said,
February 16, 2006 at 2:14 am
besides, being gay does not mean having to waylay our insecurity by calling him a “she” in order to reinforce certain ideals which may be entirely false.
visitor said,
February 16, 2006 at 9:05 am
Wow. Gay christian woman. It is ok to call God a she. Don’t be so literal about it. If you read up on lesbian christian feminist writings. They refer to God as a she all the time. Nit-picking isn’t going to bring you to heaven you know. So chill. I suggest you concentrate your energy on finding out the diverse views in this aspect before you start blowing your top over things like that since it has been done over a million times. There is a world out there.
Librarian said,
February 16, 2006 at 10:28 am
I have a few Christian friends who were told by their church that they are not allowed to go near to anything secular, no movies, no cola.. as the church �hold the Bible – God’s word – in the highest esteem”. I totally respect that. However, to me, as a Christian, I will see religion is a personal relationship between God and I, rather than a set of rules and laws which I must follow or die and go to hell.
Jin may address “She” while some prefer Abba father, counsellor. How hard is it to embrace each other differences and preferences esp when we are all the children of God? How hard for once we can be less judging and be more accepting when dealing with diversities?
Mier said,
February 16, 2006 at 2:52 pm
Hmm… as far as i am concerned, it’s a relationship between God and each individual. My chief�concerns are: do the promises of God become real in a person’s life? What does the new covenant say? Where does the old covenant stand? And that’s all that really matters.
The pharisees were stickler for the rules… and yet Jesus called them “blind” and used the word “vipers” on these self-righteousness people. So what if the pharisees stick to every inch of the bible they had at that time? So what if they know the bible inside out?
It’s the heart that matters.
snorkeem said,
February 16, 2006 at 2:59 pm
May i know how you negotiate around the bible about your homosexuality if you take the bible so literally? Tell me, i’m interested to know.
snorkeem said,
February 17, 2006 at 12:25 am
Well, the author did mention ‘Heavenly Father’ as well. Where? Go find it. Is that selective reading we’re encountering here? Hmmm..
Mier said,
February 17, 2006 at 12:49 pm
Christian gay woman… how come it’s “gay pride”? I think it’s more correctly put as “feminist pride”… lol.
Are you sure you are gay?
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