News and Opinions

And i loved a boy

on . Posted in Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity/Expression.

This picture of a girly one, an androgynous one and a squirrel got me laughing. The squirrel seems to hold a wistful or puzzled look. And the couple appears to be asking the furry animal, “Is it wrong for us to be so happy?” You got to know a bit of my history to know why i had barrels of laughter upon seeing this… When i was with my ex-boyfriend, i called him “Squirrel”.

In the aftermath of the break-up, there are many friends, male and female alike, who told me not to “lose hope”… because some boy will come along someday and whisk me off my feet… and he would be Mr. Right… and that I don’t have to “off-guys” just because i had bad experiences. That was their first response when i told them the next person that i am dating is a girl. I was amused by their reactions. Deeply rooted in their unconsciousness: a girl involved with a boy will not fall for another girl, unless she received deeply etched scars from some male bastard. And deeper than this is the notion that: Lesbian relationships are of second class order.

(It is my fault partially. I never quite explained why i gave up the four year plus relationship I had with Squirrel. Let’s just say that when discontent comes, it is multi-layered and multi-faceted… and using someone’s weak points to break-up is merely a reason in disguise. After all, who’s perfect?)

And then there are close friends (and my mother) who exclaimed in bewilderment, “But you have always been straight!” Straight = physically with someone with the opposite sex? What about the mental aspect? I had my first crush on an androgynous-looking girl when i was 14. Why didn’t i tell anyone? Oh well, blame it on homophobic behavior… since i was not involved with any girl at that time, i didn’t see the benefits of taking the risk.


Leaving Squirrel gave me the liberty to enter the lesbian virtual world i.e. mIRC, Fridae. A month after the break-up, in which he said he will wait for me (he took 8 years to get over his previous ex. I was inclined to believe him!), i met my current girlfriend, Nic. Shortly after, she received a booklet, at her workplace, from someone anonymous. The booklet says, “What does the bible say about homosexuality?” and preaches abstinance and deliverance. This anonymous someone also seeked to “befriend” her in another postcard, once again delivered to the main office of her workplace.

Squirrel was my best friend for years. So we met up and we chatted. He told me things about my gf that i did not even know of… like occupation of the brothers; financial status of her father; where she used to school and even where the mother walks the dog. When the details were confirmed as accurate, I was astounded by his knowledge and questioned him about it. There was a plot of land next to where my gf lives and he said he is merely checking out his potential neighbours because his uncle is having his eye on that land.

One thing he told me shook me, “Your gf is lying about something to you.” I asked him, “What is it?” “I cannot tell you.” was the response. “Why is it that you can tell me about her father’s financial status but you cannot tell me what she’s lying about?” “I just can’t tell you.” It didn’t cross my mind to doubt him… after all, in those years, there was an incident in which he exposed some guyfriend as a fraud, once again with information he acquired from somewhere. The “lie” got me all bothered- the relationship was only weeks old and i didn’t know who to trust.

When Nic got to know about this, she was furious. “Why is it that I don’t even know what i am lying about?!” She dug out all her past documents and pictures to prove beyond a shadow that she has been telling the truth. “See? I got this grade in classical music!.. I graduated from this university… these are my co-workers when i worked in Taiwan…” Anyway, his Uncle never bought that piece of land. I never got to know the “lie”… and two years plus has come and gone, i found Nic to be genuine. I terminated the friendship a few months into the relationship with Nic.

In reminiscence, i know that we did love each other- there were happy times galore. His need to believe so badly that i would stop “playing” someday and return to straight behavior is probably what sparked off this series of pranks, mildly put.

It is so insulting when guys feel insulted that their ex-girlfriends ends up with another girl. Why?! Degrading. Infuriating. If only they would see that it’s not the just physical… but the person as a whole.

Disclaimer: I am only speaking in my capacity; sharing my own experiences. There is no generalization to all men (or even majority of them).

Tags: coming out sexual orientation

Add comment

Security code

Sign up to receive announcements and updates