There are a few great mysteries in this world. Are there aliens out there? Does God exist? How were the pyramids built? But the greatest mystery of all, to me, is still why in the world I continue watching The L Word (and Grey’s Anatomy, but I’ve resolved to give no more airtime on this website to that particular show). As a heads-up to all our readers: a (slightly edited) first episode is available on the Official L Word podcast, free and legal for download.
If you have continued watching the show for 5 seasons, you are probably one of those people who just keep trudging along, hoping and praying that one day, miraculously, the sun is going to shine through the clouds and the show is going to get better. Well, I wouldn’t start holding my breath anytime soon – because if the premiere is anything to go by, the next seven episodes are going to be long and torturous.
So we open the show with cops on the scene, and who do we see as the detective, but Lucy Lawless, aka Xena the Warrior Princess. I have it on the best authority that I had a coronary right then, because, for crying out loud, it is Lucy Lawless, aka, hotness personified, aka butch-rape fantasy, aka my get-out-of-jail-card.
After I got a bypass and stitched my weakened heart back up, came the second (non)shocker of the episode: Dead Jenny. At this point, I swear I could hear angels singing “Hallelujah!”, and birds chirping, and the sky seemed so much bluer. Seriously. I’ve been wishing for Jenny to die for 5 seasons, and I thought I finally got it.
But no, I still had to watch her and her chimple of anger for the rest of the episode, while they flashed back to three months ago, from the time we were left hanging (not), from the (really bad) season finale cliffhanger, where Shane temporarily lost her humanity and Adele became even more creepy.
Not caring in the least about Jenny and her heartbreak, my attention was drawn to a more interesting couple: Alice and Tasha! Of course, when we left them, Alice was being an idiot and actually contemplating leaving Tasha (how can anyone leave Tasha!), and now, she has changed her mind. Of course. But I can’t really hear what they are saying, because I am way too distracted by Tasha and her chocolate skin. And her lips. And her hair.
Oh just kiss and make up already!
Bette and Tina are playing mummy to a sick Angelica, and Tina trying to deal with her boss’ betrayal of a too-gay movie. Back at She-bar, Kit and Helena are trying to come up with a new name for the place. You would think, hey, anything is better than She-bar… but no. They come up with the worst name on the planet: Hit Club.
Seriously? Seriously?! What’s that like, Fight Club, except you hit each other instead of fighting? Can I talk about Hit Club? Not that I really want to, you understand, because the place is so not the kind of place I want to go to, with its flower-patterned walls and transparent swing-chairs.
Shane is practically grovelling on Jenny’s feet, trying to apologise, but Jenny isn’t having any of it.
Can someone tell me what exactly is that on Jenny’s eyelids, passing off as eyeshadow/eyeliner? It kinda looks like a fault-line that run across Los Angeles.
Jenny then throws Shane and her whole foods-bag out, leading Shane to seek sanctuary in the home of the Not So Stable Lesbian Couple in the process of mothering a sick child, dealing with their own issues of Betrayal and Terrible Things. Shane gets the cue and leaves for Alice’s apartment, who are dealing with their own drama. Alice not-so-subtly turns down Alice and starts chasing Tasha in her mini-cooper of blueness.
Molly, meanwhile, the infatuated straight girl comes around and starts proclaiming her love for Shane (to a Jenny who answers the door in The World’s Ugliest Bra and Slip) – which I do not believe a word of, only because Molly is going through her out-of-college, pre-law-school rebellious stage. Jenny, in her creepy Machiavellian way, takes the note that Molly wishes to pass to Shane, reads it without the slightest question of the ethics of it, and hides it in the attic.
Next season of The L Word: Jenny’s Attic.
When Tasha arrives at her destination, who do we see, but… Papi. Alice responds in the same way the viewers responded: “I thought you disappeared!” What the point of her being in the episode was, other than to make really loud noises with Gabby Devaux (Alice’s ex) and eat liverwurst, no one will know.
Jenny and her evil Machiavellian ways have invited Nikki to go over, and the second she sees her, Jenny jumps her.
If I were Nikki, I’d be really scared and checking the place for altars and knives and candles.
Shane meanwhile takes her Whole Foods bag and goes to the planet, because you know, now she is truly homeless (goes with her look).
Bette and Tina are in the car and making promises NEVER to cheat on Tina again. Not just to never cheat, “never ever ever” cheat.
Wow, when did Bette turn into a 5th grader?
Alice charms Tasha into coming back home with her, and into sleeping in the same bed with her. Tasha refuses to let it go further, and the two have more laughs over Alice’s attempts at being serious.
How DOES the woman make a bandana and tanktop look like the sexiest thing on earth?
Shane, meanwhile, is being nursed by Kit and told to “FIGHT TO THE DEATH” for Jenny. Haha, clever pun. Not.
Evil Jenny, meanwhile, is on a path of revengeful destruction, and tells Nikki that their romance was nothing but a “showmance”, and that it wasn’t her who broke her heart.
For a brief fleeting second, I found myself liking Jenny and her kick-assness towards Nikki. It went away just as quickly, I promise.
Jenny is not content with breaking Nikki, it seems. At the planet, she decides to form her own tribe: The Tribe of Righteousness, consisting of Tina and Tasha, leaving behind the rest to form the Tribe of People Who Have Done Bad Things (Shane, Bette, Helena and Alice)
Except, the only shot I cared about in the entire scene, was that of Tasha looking hot in a ponytail.
At the end of the episode, I actually forgot that Jenny was dead – leaving absolutely no desire for me to find out why and who killed her. That might just be a testament to how bad the show was – having killed off one of their major characters, they built no suspense or tension whatsoever about who might have decided to put The L Word viewers out of their collective misery.
Until the season finale!