A life without compromise – Part 5

EARLY ENCOUNTERS

9.
Two years later and I commited it to matrimony, saw eight years and two children through with him. Unfortunately, as in many things, I would be lying if I said that the questions about my inclinations had completely gone away. In fact, I found myself still deliberating the polarities of my sexual orientation even while married. One encounter with a colleague at the school I was attached to for practical orientation still rings clear. Her name was Shirley and she sat beside me in the office and initially we started out as two people sharing very common experiences and wavelengths. We found that not many of our co-workers shared our sense of humour, let alone visions in life. I was gradually drawn to her chirpy and positive personality and she my open-mindedness and laconic wit. We looked forward to seeing each other for a brief hour or so because we were in different sessions (hers morning, mine afternoon). But everytime we shared a moment, it seemed to make our day because it assured us that there was still some sanity in the midst of bureaucratic hogwash.

The day I left we shared an awkwardly pleasant encounter. We had sneaked off for some ice-cream and we talked about nothing significant until she hinted how life would be tedious without her verbal-sparring partner. I knew that I would miss her too but not until a week later when I returned for a farewell gathering in the school. I found myself unusually excited on my way there but when I got there, I made it a point to avert her gaze and proceeded to sit at a few tables away. She seemed to notice this and later remarked that I was aloof and had so quickly forgotten her, and added that she had broken out in rashes that morning for no apparent reason and hinted that it was from excitement at seeing me. With that remark I felt strangely warm and fuzzy because of its closeness to my thoughts.

Although we never kept in touch after, I found myself wondering about the ‘what-ifs’. It put a furtive smile on my face when I reminisced about the words we shared, or never got round to sharing.

24, last time you’ll ever see me looking demure

10.
In my 3rd year of marriage, just before expecting my first child, would be my closest encounter to finally coming out. I was already feeling extremely alienated emotionally from my spouse because much as we liked each other’s company, we could never really connect on a level which I felt I needed but he could never understand.

So it was only natural that I transferred a lot of this on a colleague at the junior college I taught. Let’s call her V. V was like the epitome of what I wanted in a sister/companion/physical woman. When I first met her, there was an edge of ‘coolness competition’ which in retrospect was our trying to suss each other up. Truth is, like me, we both put on a guard when we find the other person attractive. And that was how it began. A relationship of constant are we/ are we not until the day I came out to her and she expressed her understanding but regret that she could never be gay because she’s what you’d call a female metrosexual. Apparently I was not the first girl who had barked up the wrong tree.

What was significant about our relationship was that I was then at the threshold of coming home to myself and she was very much the catalyst to getting me there. With her I felt I could understand what the emotional relationship was with a woman — the intensity, the connection, the understanding. And that was what I was searching for all my life but I couldn’t or didn’t dare put a finger on. With V, I felt I could be more the butchy gal in public because based on our characters and our dynamics, I was ‘active’ and well, the aggressor. Looking back, it’s all really amusingly warm in my heart how she who inspired me to come out is now a close friend who dispenses unsolicited advice which girl is right for me!

So it begun…once I acknowleged that I wasn’t ’straight’, that I could really fall for a woman and that I would even embrace the idea of kissing her, there was no turning back.

the catalyst

The next few years were spent bearing and having my two kids. During that period of significant changes to my life and lifestyle, I hardly contemplated my sexuality, possibly because I was too preoccupied with my new roles and responsibilities, putting aside personal agenda to see them through the typical challenges of kids from infant to toddler. I hardly had time in the day to even think about my hobbies, let alone who I loved, and perhaps this also affected the widening emotional chasm in my marriage, which would lead to the next chapter where I finally took a breather to find myself again.

proud & happy new mom

Coming up… Chapter 2