A life without compromise – Chapter 2

Part 3

THE LAST

After 14 months, the relationship hit a rather serious rut where neither of us could work out our differences of timing and circumstances. It was a heart-rending decision, but we knew it would be better if we didn’t try to push things forward till it reached a cliff, for want of better metaphors.

But, if three strikes would mean I’d have to stay entirely out of the love-game, then my third serious relationship with S would effectively be it. From how we relate as two individuals in complete synchronicity in heart, mind and soul , I know I have met the one who’d fit my puzzle-piece.

With her, time seems to hold no significance because even when we first got together as friends and then lovers, we seemed to have traversed the world over and our roads converged at a complete understanding of soul-mates.

Our meeting would almost be destined though it never occured to me then that I would ever love again. At a charity event where we volunteered, I knew on first impressions that she was a lovely soul – something about the way she smiled, and her kindly disposition you’d trust on sight. What struck me later in her company was her sincerity, and how her experiences with love were so similar. We both came from very familiar places of love and loss. Significantly, I knew somehow that we would work out, only because we never really made too much of what we acknowledged, a little like a quietness in your heart where no words are needed.

In fact, words would do no justice for what we have, but all I can put here is we have a vision of a wonderful future where my children share a place in, because with her, I feel like I have come home to the soul I have denied for too long, and with her, I finally like who I am.

My children took to her as instinctively as I did, perhaps because they could trust her in the way I could. And it’s wonderful how the past months seem like years, as I’ve mentioned, time seems to have no bearing on how deeply we’ve grown together.

In short, yes, I believe my soul can now stop wandering after 34 years because as miracles would be, we’ve found each other, and that’s simply the only answer to anything we may wonder about life. If I could sum it up, my life now is a lot like how George Elliot once simply put it,

” It is never too late to become what you might have been.”

the last!

BRAVE NEW WORLD?

As for now, I can only take it a day at a time. My only wish is that by the time my kids are old enough to fully grasp the dynamics of their family life, they would also be able to understand that even their mother can be afraid of that monster who resides in her head, but she wants to be able to control it so that she can love them with all that she can and has.

So what do I envision for the years to come?
Most immediate is my wish to settle my divorce amicably and on terms where the children will have to suffer as little as possible. I have not disclosed how my ex-spouse dealt with the knowledge of my sexual identity crisis because it is too painful to write about, dredging up old demons best left buried in the past.

The practical considerations of our annulment would be how the custody of the children would be shared equitably, where future accommodations would depend on their school and my job.

To quote my ex-spouse, we hope that eventually the children would have not just two parents who love them dearly, but two others who would give them the added emotional support they need.

One can dream. And for now, that’s the sole intangible form of hope I have.