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To Date or not to date?

on . Posted in Relationships.

It has been quite a long time since I wrote on Sayoni. During my absence here, I completed a screenplay and worked hard at my new job. Though I spent many hours writing after work and halted my social life, I did not feel the urge to ask anyone out when I finished the long script. Despite the loneliness, I preferred to spend time alone, going to the movies and gym.

So here I thought, these outings alone were great training for the years to come if I should end up alone. Anyway, I am alone and I have no urge or whatsoever to date anybody.

I preferred to do other things, thoughts of dating or being attracted to anyone isn’t on my list at all. Thus on Singapore’s national day I was excited, not because I spent my country’s 41st birthday alone, but because in the morning of August 9, I found myself on the plane heading to Saigon.

I had always been fascinated by Saigon, for her charm and of course, the beautiful Vietnamese girls featured in movies like “Good Morning Vietnam” and “The Quiet American”. I didn’t get to see any on my trip, or think that anybody would fancy me in Vietnam, till I went for a massage on my last evening there.

My masseuse, an eighteen year-old girl with similar beady eyes as me, smiled and came close to me so we could compare the sizes of our eyes. And she asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no and thought that was that. Then she proceeded to ask if I had a girlfriend. I furrowed my brows a little, surprised with the question, before answering no.

She went on with a couple of other questions like where I stayed and when I was leaving, before saying she liked me. We could not communicate much after that due to our extremely limited vocubulary in each others’ language. But she kept smiling at me.

After I left the spa, I felt a little happy. It did not dawn on me at all that I could actually attract anyone in Saigon. For a moment I wished I could stay longer and have a chance to date a foreigner while learning Vietnamese at the same time. But what about the age gap? I am 12 years older than she.

I discussed this over a beer with a friend, who was moralising over dating younger people, people who at least have a 12-15 years age gap from us. She said she would feel bad about it, knowing that such relationships are based on needs more than wants. And it probably wouldn’t last. Jokingly I told her to wait till she is in her 40s, then the people she wants to date who are more than 12 years younger would at least be mature enough, at least 25 years and above.

She asked me if I had a problem of being attracted to sweet young things? I said no, because I am usually bored by undeveloped minds. Unless they are prematurely matured I guess. But yet I wouldn’t mind going out with a foreigner. I pondered over my morality and double standards in the treatment of Singaporeans and foreigners.

So why wouldn’t I mind dating a Vietnamese girl who is 12 years younger than me in a foreign land? I really can’t explain, except that we both might know it is nothing serious except a fling. Moreover the language barrier might prevent deeper involvement. Though I would definitely still treat her with respect and care for her.

But as my friend said, shouldn’t people my age, someone in the 30-40 bracket, be finding someone for life?

I am a little ashamed to not have any relationships lasting more than 3 years. Not that I don’t want to, but because it just didn’t work. What would I do when I grow older? My friend is worried about having issues when we age. For me, I am afraid I might develop weird habits while she is worried she will be a prey to young undeveloped minds, or lose faith in relationships and go for casual sex.

Why do human beings need a partner when we know that we are happier alone without having to be obligated to anyone or deal with others’ emotions? Boredom and loneliness seems to be a driving force.

I ponder more and wondered if I would become one of many Singaporeans (mostly men) who go overseas to find themselves a partner. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought I have not totally lost it in the looks department yet. So why would I do it?

Nevertheless, the trip awakened the troubadour in me. I want to just spend a lot of time living, hanging out and writing at backpackers’ enclaves in places like Khao San in Thailand or De Tham in Saigon. Also to learn their languages. Fling or no fling with sweet young things, will just be another experience in life for me.

Comments   

# mmint 2010-02-02 21:27
mint said,

August 19, 2006 at 2:59 pm

The encounter with the masseuse reminds me of “Love Actually”, the story between the writer and the maid, language barrier and all. Thanks for sharing. :)
Reply
# ttoohuman 2010-02-02 21:28
toohuman said,

August 19, 2006 at 9:05 pm

i think the story reminds me more of the movie Spanglish. so check it out. er, i think human beings look for someone to understand them on the same level; it is only through sharing with someone that we can develop less narrow-mindedly i think…relationships are catalysts for growth? I am assuming that all human beings are social creatures of varying extent haha.
Reply
# wwaterbaby 2010-02-02 21:28
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waterbaby said,

August 19, 2006 at 10:02 pm

in my opinion, age gap isn’t the main problem in a real r’ship so long as both love and understand each other. good communication is impt to foster good r’ship instead.
Reply
# cChris 2010-02-02 21:28
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Chris said,

August 23, 2006 at 7:18 pm

A difference in age isn’t a barrier in itself. A difference in maturity is.
Reply
# cChris 2010-02-02 21:28
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ww. said,

August 25, 2006 at 11:10 am

“She said she would feel bad about it, knowing that such relationships are based on needs more than wants. And it probably wouldn�t last.”

Isn’t this just another form of discrimination, where people (and their motives) are judged according to an irrelevant parameter such as the year in which they were born? Coming from someone whose girlfriend is 12 years older than myself and who can safely say that I’m not with her for her money nor for her stability nor anything material that she may be able to provide me with, I’m quite disconcerted that you would allow a statement like this to be printed. And while I’m sure that there are young girls out there who are only interested in their older partners for the money or something, you don’t stereotype an entire gender just because you’ve met one stupid girl, do you? Then why should this courtesy not extend to an age group?

Or perhaps you mean that the older partner is only dating the younger one for the “status” that comes with having a pretty young date hanging on his/her arm. I can also safely say that my girlfriend is not with me for my body or for my looks or anything ridiculous and superficial as you have implied here, so what exactly is it you’re trying to get at?

And if relationships like these – in your/your friend’s opinion – don’t last, chances are it’s due to the narrow-mindedness which prevents you from seeing a person as separate from his/her age. Such judgement is no better than the SPG who only dates white men, or the boy who will only go out with a girl who has long blonde hair. Age, when taken out of context, is pretty much as irrelevant as any of these other features.

“She asked me if I had a problem of being attracted to sweet young things? I said no, because I am usually bored by undeveloped minds.”

Again, it may be that the general populace of “sweet young things” you have met may not be as mature as you, having not been through the additional 12-15 years of life that you have, but perhaps the reason why you have been bored by girls falling into this age group is not due to their “underdeveloped minds”, but because you yourself are stuck in a mindset and unwilling to see the possibility that age should not matter. If you connect with someone, it won’t be because their birthday is 2 days from yours – it will be because of who they are, and not some scale based on arbitrary numbers and figures you have pre-formed in your mind to weed out the potential from otherwise.
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# xSpert 2010-02-02 21:28
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xSpert said,

August 28, 2006 at 3:45 pm

Hmmmmm interesting……… I have similar story……

I’ve “find” nice girl from Australia…….. and we started to write each other every day………. regular things about life, family, school…….. and I was amazed how we were alike…….. We share same passion for many things…….. (OK, she’s more summer fan, and I like winter :-) ) but it was scary how people could have same interests…….. In a joke I’ve said that I’ll marry her, on what she reply that what take me so long!!! And of course………. there are just two little things why we can’t work out………. she lives on the other side of world (Europe-Australia) and she’s 8 years younger than me (only 16), and at the moment I consider that very big age difference………. but who knows………. maybe……….. if we’re meant to each other, age difference won’t really matter ;-)
Reply
# Cassie Black 2010-02-02 21:28
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Cassie Black said,

July 24, 2008 at 10:59 pm

I’m a lover not a hater, superb post.
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