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Being Single

on . Posted in Relationships.

What does it mean to be single? Single-hood to some means the in between relationships where we date and have numerous flings. While to others, it means to occupy time with friends and many social outings so as to be able to detect a potential partner for a relationship, yes just short of going out on an actual date. Then, there are the rest of us who devote most of our time meeting friends every now and then but concentrate on work and doing things alone.

Single-hood has a different meaning for me each time. The first was the fear of not being loved by anyone again. After all I had just discovered my sexuality and was lack of a direction. Then of course each time I was left single the aftermath feeling evolved. I would say age played a part too.

No prizes for guessing which kind of singles I belong to mentioned in the first paragraph of this article. Okay, if it is not obvious enough- yes I belong to the third kind.


Recently I put on the singles badge with a bit of a difference. The last time I was single, I spent so much time alone that after awhile I did not expect anyone to ever contact me. Well we all learn, as we grow older, that friends do call a lot lesser because they too have their work and relationships to deal with. Thus I said age played a part each time the same thing happens.

This time it was a little different because I got to know a circle of new friends. And to avoid facing the music of brand new achieved loneliness, I involved myself in activities and surrounded myself with people. I did not neglect my own passion in life: I made a short film too. Through these activities I discovered something weird, the constant social intercourse was draining, and I felt it worse that I had to bottle my melancholy in the midst of human contact.

The good thing about the things I was involved in, they all climaxed to a high, that I inevitably felt the blues after each high (No, I do not consume drugs just in case you are wondering).

I appreciated the company of friends, and it was nice to have someone to go out with where we can whine and discuss about our feelings. Lesbian couples I caught up with even warned me not to ever turn desperate or I may end up dating women who only wanted my money. Thoughts definitely ran through the neurotic me…

First of all, I don’t think I have that much money to begin with. Secondly, is it true that there are many lesbians out there who are just out for money? Thirdly, I have not even dated casually as a single (blush, blush, please don’t laugh). I know I am not a typical gay person in the community. Okay many of you are going to shoot me for saying this, but yes, it is a stereotype view that the GLBT community are seldom single and always dating, especially if you aren’t ugly. Whether I am ugly you will have to judge for yourselves because a close friend just recently told me all her friends are beautiful. Right she will never tell them they are ugly even if they are, and I am one of those friends.

To bring you back to the point, I felt unusually empty every time I hung up the phone with a friend or if no one was free to go out with me. I believe this is a social addiction almost equivalent to drugs. Worst of all, with a listening ear all the time, I became I serial whiner! Thus I spent time alone and stopped myself from calling anyone. Yes, I am off the ‘addiction’ and no longer was I keen to constantly discuss about emotional feelings and crushes.

It is a journey, being single, trying not to be sucked into the realm of loneliness every time you meet friends/people who are attached or who are frequently discussing relationships and love. Is this the bane of a modern city life? Where there is seldom anything else to talk about? Is that why shows like ‘Sex and the City’, ‘The L-Word’ and ‘Desperate Housewives’ are popular?

True that because we are viewed differently from society we can talk about gay activism, and organising groups or activities for our community. But is there anything else people are passionate about that they are capable of doing it alone while being single? Then again, what kind of single-hood do you belong? How long can you stay single?

All these are subjective, but yes, being single is challenging and at the same time, self-affirmative.



# lublubb 2010-02-02 21:38

lublub said,

May 16, 2006 at 11:41 pm

You know pureego dear… this is arguably my fave blog post on sayoni. U struck a chord there baby =)

I love this. its so me. And yes, ditto to what you say about emotional dependency on others and how with alot of friends around u, u start to whine all the time. Cos there are ppl there to hear your whining. I drown myself all the time with social gatherings, especially those with gay men.. cos ultimately in the end, they help you to forget that… really, you’re a loner.
# xSpert 2010-02-02 21:38

xSpert said,

May 18, 2006 at 3:07 pm

“Whether I am ugly you will have to judge for yourselves because a close friend just recently told me all her friends are beautiful. Right she will never tell them they are ugly even if they are, and I am one of those friends.”

People aren’t ugly….. it’s just their perception of themself…….. You have Miss & Mister competition in the World, but can you realy say they are bautifull??? & what “beautifull” realy means??? When you’re in love, phisicall aperance doesn’t mean a thing….. cos “love is blind”!!!! :-)

As for being single………. I belive in true love, so being single is not a problem for me, jet……….. ;-)
# rrafel 2010-02-02 21:38

rafel said,

May 18, 2006 at 3:57 pm

wahaha. i belong to the third kind too. but i don’t think being single or alone is necessarily equivalent to being lonely, and i don’t have a problem with either. in fact, with friends or groups of people, i’d often wish i were alone instead, not because they make me realise how not with someone i am, but because it’s just irritating to cramp my style for accomodating other people. i think everyone is ultimately alone anyway, so a long time ago, i decided to embrace it instead. maybe that’s why i love being alone now. i’ve been single since forever. haha. and i certainly don’t think i’m ugly!

there’re lots to do when you have the time to yourself. i think it’s just because when people congregate, all they like to talk about is themselves and what’s going on with them, which for the majority constitutes their or other people’s love lives/work lives. then again, work is hard to bitch about if you’re not working for the same company/in the same industry. so de facto, relationships. very few people do things like read widely or think about philosophy. very few are interested in film producing, theatre arts or literature; it’s all just simple entertainment when the end product is placed before them.
# immoralfear 2010-02-02 21:38
immoralfear said,

May 18, 2006 at 10:57 pm

First off, I would like to mention that from observation, those who whine about being single are highly likely to find something else to complain about after getting attached (that is, if they are fortunate enough to find someone who puts up with it). Personality quirks and inherent insecurities do not disappear overnight.

I have never had issues about staying single and may be unable to empathise with those who do. It bugs me a little to see how many people in this community are constantly on the prowl for a partner – as if they are in love with the idea of being in love. Just check out the attention-grabbing, almost desperate headers on say, Fridae personals.

From what Rafel has mentioned, I guess I am extremely lucky to have a bunch of introspective, well-read and artsy friends who have so much more to offer than the usual frivolity. :)
# xSpert 2010-02-02 21:39

xSpert said,

May 19, 2006 at 3:12 am

“It bugs me a little to see how many people in this community are constantly on the prowl for a partner – as if they are in love with the idea of being in love.”
Yea…….. Mostly of them are just wanting to have partner so that they won’t be alone!!!! That shouldn’t be reason for it!!!! It’s like you want to have partner cos you’re bored!! So where’s love gone than?

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