Letters to Ling: (Fatal) Attractions

This begins a new column on Sayoni Speak, Letters to Ling. Facing a problem with your life, your sexuality, relationship, family et cetera? Write in to our advice columnist, Ling, with your problem. All emails are confidential and your anonymity will be preserved.

Dear Ling,

I am living with my girlfriend of three years. We’re really in love, and we plan to spend the rest of our lives together… except for the fact that there is this really cute co-worker who I am really physically attracted to, and I really can’t help it. I don’t love my girlfriend any less, she’s still the love of my life, and everything is fine in our sex life. So I don’t understand why I am so attracted to her, and it is very distracting at work, and I feel really guilty about thinking of someone else at all. I am terrified my girlfriend will find out and it is going to ruin our relationship, even though I’ve done nothing with the other girl, who happens to be gay as well.

What do I do?”

Feeling Guilty

Dear Feeling Guilty,

It is normal to be attracted to other women, especially women whom you encounter frequently. When you interact with someone physically attractive on a daily basis, it is important to keep in mind that this is just a physical attraction.

Humans are naturally attracted to pretty things or people. That is the major driving factor behind many crushes that we have and why we spend a ton of money on buying that sleek SONY Vaio when the Acer Aspire costs half as much. Having established this fact, we need to be aware of the difference between a physical attraction and a real relationship.

It does not seem that you are facing a 'down' time in your relationship as you still feel perfectly in love and your sex life is doing great. In fact, your girlfriend may not even be aware of the situation you are facing. However, if this drags on any longer, there is a possibility that you may become withdrawn from her as your fear of her finding out about your fascination with your co-worker becomes greater. That will eventually lead to arguments and fights as your girlfriend struggles to connect with you once more.

It seems that you love your girlfriend very much and do not want to ruin your relationship with her. Therefore, do some self-reflection and ask yourself what else can be done to further enhance your relationship. Take some time out to sit down and review the relationship you enjoy with your girlfriend. What is it about her that makes you go 'Mmmhmm' and ask yourself if you are prepared to give up this relationship, and everything good that comes with it, in order to explore the 'possibilities' with your cute co-worker. Are there any hidden problems that you have not been communicating with your girlfriend? Is there a possibility that your sex life is not as interesting as it used to be? Do you and your girlfriend spend enough (or too much) time together?

Once you have completed your self-reflection, bring your girlfriend out on a date. Surprise her with some good food and wine. Use this time to communicate to her any problems you have unearthed during your self-reflection. You could even bring up the cute co-worker and let her know that although you find the co-worker cute, you find her cuter!

As for the cute co-worker, remember, she is your co-worker. Having a one night stand or fling with her would undoubtedly jeopardise everything you have worked for in your relationship. In addition, this is someone you have to work with everyday. Should things not turn out well, it would create an enormous amount of tension in your working environment. It would not be wise to do that. Keep in mind that while she may be a SONY Vaio, your Acer Aspire at home works just as well and you have already established a loving relationship with it.

Good Luck!

Ling

Please send your emails to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it., with your preferred pseudonym. Do note that all opinions and views expressed in this column are the author’s, and does not in any way reflect the views of Sayoni or its members. By writing to the author, you accept the terms on which this advice is offered, with the clear understanding that Ling is neither a professional therapist, therapist/psychologist, counselor, nor in the business of giving advice, and she does not accept a duty of care or a contractual obligation in responding to your email. Sayoni disclaims all liability for the consequences of following the advice of the author of this column, howsoever they might have been sustained.