Life-Stories- Part 4

The two story-tellers are J and KW. But there are actually three story-tellers. Edmund Smith is the unspoken third.

J is a pre-school teacher, an ex-lesbian, who looked like she is in her late-teens or early twenties. And she talked about how she was abused by her mother. This abuse sparked in her a desire for a mother-figure. She was butch and called her long tresses a  ‘miracle of God’.

I don’t know why the theory of childhood abuse as the cause of homosexuality is frequently used. It is an ancient theory from Freud on why gay men exist. Now Freud is studied in literature, not psychology- which gives you a hint about how dependable a science it is. The closest thing to abuse i can think of in my life is: getting caned with those bamboo twigs you see in mama-shops with colored hooks as handles when i misbehaved as a kid. And i donned long wavy tresses all my life. I suppose you can say i have been living God’s miracle.

I think life stories have the tendency to be woven around what people say about us- if we believe them. Thanks to the confirming bias. At some point in your life, something that resembles what they say about you would exist. And some of the  ‘symptoms ‘ that they say would appear in your life at some stage. Haven ‘t we felt blue at certain periods of our lives? That doesn’t make you depressed. Haven ‘t we experienced low self-esteem at some points? That doesn’t make you problematic. Most people experience emotions in periods, but they are temporal.

People tend to feel a need to explain things. It gives you a sense of control. What’s the best way out of feeling completely helpless about your situation? Look for something that resembles a reason and hold on to it.

Like:  ‘I don’t want to be gay; i think it’s causing me all this depression and low self-esteem. Can you tell me why i am gay and give me hope as to how i can get out? ‘

Moving on…

KW is a financial accountant, a gay-man. His sharing is about the damage done to a young gay boy’s self esteem when homosexuality is repeatedly condemned. He has been with his partner for 4 years with some breaks in between. It sounds like the typical story of a gay man from your conventional conservative family, undergoing condemnation from self and others as he discovered his sexual orientation.

Edmund Smith is an ex-gay since the age of 24. He was gay from 13-24 before he was sick of his  ‘homosexual lifestyle’ (however he defines it). Now he’s into his late thirties, married with a child.

He has never been gay-bashed. But after he became ex-gay, he was repeatedly ex-gay-bashed by pro-gays.

I took that statement with a pinch of salt because i noticed a discrepancy. Edmund Smith’s stand is: I am ex-gay but i don’t hate gay people. So with his gay friends, they learned not to bring up the gay-topic over friendly dinners. Which goes to show that if they should talk about the gay-issue, disagreement (and unfruitful discussion i would suppose) would emerge.

During the forum, a number of people made statements like these:  ‘Can you please tell us what your homosexual lifestyle is? Because i am sure that my lifestyle is quite different from your homosexual lifestyle.’ But Edmund Smith seemed to take these questions personally. So, he couldn’t seem to differentiate between anti-ex-gay sentiments and ex-gay person, although he could differentiate between gayness and the gay person. Interesting how things are, isn’t it?

That goes to show one thing: Many of us are what we believe in. As such, when we take the stance of loving the person but hating the sexual orientation, it makes us look schizophrenic.

Genuine and sincere interactions require respect and acceptance. I don’t understand how Edmund Smith sits down with gay people with uttermost respect when he assumes their  ‘lifestyle’ (which necessary entails certain attitudes and opinions which he would vehemently disagree with) is nauseating towards his God.