Today, immediately after church, kai and i had the honor of being escorted from the overflow room to a windowless tiny ‘prayer and healing room’ by a lady usher. When i said escorted, i meant the lady usher was holding on firmly to kai and I. Pastor Matthew wanted a word with us. The well-furnished room was empty, but for the lady usher, the pastor and us.

He stood before us in a formal suit, his body tall and broad, between us and the door. The lady usher on his right, quiet and petite.

‘Hi, i am Pastor Matthew. I suppose the two of you are new?’ He shook Kai’s hand.
‘No, i am not new.’ I answered.
‘How long?’
‘I have been attending this church since 1999.’ I replied. ‘I know you, Pastor Matthew. You have been a pastor ever since i stepped in.’
‘How long have you been saved?’
‘I have been a Christian since the age of 5.’

Pastor Matthew asked me of Kai, ‘Is she a girl?’
I raised my eyebrows, ‘Is that not apparent? I am a girl too. We are both girls.’

I needed to go to the washroom since before the end of service. But held out till the end of service. So you can imagine me having a high tide. Thought i could go to the washroom first. But he stopped me. Two seconds, he said. Two seconds sounds short. Okay. I held my bladder for longer.

He mentioned our behavior i.e. leaning on shoulders and holding hands. He asked, ‘Are the two of you in a relationship?’ He elaborated- people were observing us and we are causing others to stumble through our display of affections.

I gave him a look of bewilderment, ‘How are we causing people to stumble?’ A male usher outside shut the door of our room.

Being gay- a Christian inadequacy.

Dr. Tan Kim Huat spoke about God’s laws. He mentioned that the debate revolved around whether the homosexual sex is exploitative. The pro-gay argument said that it’s for exploitative relationships only. The counter-argument is: Apostle Paul meant all kinds of homosexual relationships. [I have no clue about this argument. All i know is that lesbian sex is explicitly left out of Moses law: both men and women were mentioned for bestiality but only men were mentioned for human same-sex encounters. Whether Moses perceived sex as penile-penetrative acts only is anyone’s guess.]

Dr. Tan also mentioned the tenor of the bible- which is the love of God and justification by faith. There also seemed to be a suggestion that sin from Adam’s fall gave rise to predispositions (i suppose he meant homosexuality, adultery and all other vices). He made this link: that those who see God’s love change (stop being gay).

He pointed out the reasons why Jews were against homosexuality.
1. Lack of Gender distinction: men giving up their superior roles to take the submissive role.
2. It is not natural, against God’s order.
3. Lack of procreational potential.

I wonder what Dr Tan thinks of the patriarchy that is slowly loosening its grips on modern day society? Androgynous attributes are in. More women are taking on leadership roles. And i wonder what he thinks of medical procedures that intervene in the natural course of diseases, preventing death that naturally would have otherwise occurred? And i wonder if birth control pills are considered the worst bane of the human race, since it successfully prevented thousands of babies being born. [Saving lots of people from starving and improving the quality of life in over-populated places in the process.]

It was held at Amara hotel, on 10 May 2007, pertaining to the Christian perspective on homosexuality. The church that hosted it is FCC (Free Community Church), the only gay-affirming church in Singapore.There are 4 Speakers: (in order as presented on the panel yesterday)
1. Rev. Dr. Tan Kim Huat
(Chen Su Lan Professor of New Testament and
Dean of Studies at Trinity Theological College)
2.Anthony Yeo
(Clinical Director of Counselling and Care Centre)
3. Edmund Smith
(Founder of ex-gay movement Real Life Ministry)
4. Rev. Dr. Yap Kim Hao, PhD
(Boston University, Mass, USA)
(First Asian Bishop of The Methodist Church in Malaysia and Singapore, Pastoral Advisor- Free Community Church)

The Moderator:
Augustine Anthuvan
(Assistant Programme Manager, MediaCorp Radio)

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Someone said that the panel is not balanced, since noone is anti-gay.

I think we need to differentiate between homosexuality and the homosexual person. If you are against people (and you can't get them out of your argument), you will find your arguments framed as personal attacks. Therefore, to have a constructive discussion on homosexuality, it is better to seek panelists who are neutral towards gay persons, but divided on the issue of homosexuality. [Speakers 1 and 3 are not for homosexuality; Speakers 2 and 4 are gay-affirming.]

Is it possible to divide the person from the sexual orientation in a discussion?
Yes. But many gay people find it difficult to separate the two because sexuality is such a salient component of their sense of self. And hence the civilized verbal attacks on Edmund Smith (ex-gay pastor).

Because so much was touched on, i am going to share my thoughts in a series.

Life Stories- Weaving the fabric of your life.

The two story-tellers are J and KW. But there are actually three story-tellers. Edmund Smith is the unspoken third.

J is a pre-school teacher, an ex-lesbian, who looked like she is in her late-teens or early twenties. And she talked about how she was abused by her mother. This abuse sparked in her a desire for a mother-figure. She was butch and called her long tresses a  ‘miracle of God’.

I don’t know why the theory of childhood abuse as the cause of homosexuality is frequently used. It is an ancient theory from Freud on why gay men exist. Now Freud is studied in literature, not psychology- which gives you a hint about how dependable a science it is. The closest thing to abuse i can think of in my life is: getting caned with those bamboo twigs you see in mama-shops with colored hooks as handles when i misbehaved as a kid. And i donned long wavy tresses all my life. I suppose you can say i have been living God’s miracle.

I think life stories have the tendency to be woven around what people say about us- if we believe them. Thanks to the confirming bias. At some point in your life, something that resembles what they say about you would exist. And some of the  ‘symptoms ‘ that they say would appear in your life at some stage. Haven ‘t we felt blue at certain periods of our lives? That doesn’t make you depressed. Haven ‘t we experienced low self-esteem at some points? That doesn’t make you problematic. Most people experience emotions in periods, but they are temporal.

People tend to feel a need to explain things. It gives you a sense of control. What’s the best way out of feeling completely helpless about your situation? Look for something that resembles a reason and hold on to it.

Like:  ‘I don’t want to be gay; i think it’s causing me all this depression and low self-esteem. Can you tell me why i am gay and give me hope as to how i can get out? ‘