Part two of the L3 Forum at Indignation. Talking about Coming Out and Homophobia.
L3 Forum Part 2: Coming out and Homophobia

According to the Chinese legend of the White Snake, a dumpling sold by an immortal stuck in a little boy’s throat for three days. When it finally fell out, it was swallowed by a white snake, which turned into an immortal woman. After 18 years, she went in search of the boy, now a man, and married him. After many misadventures and adversities, the couple finally settled down with their son and lived a normal family life.

Today our child, home from school, announces
that he has learnt a new word  ? . I tell him what it is,
then fall (as I have for years
when I see someone who might listen) into silence.
You will never tell him that his mother was once
a snake, a glorified ? and I convince
myself that I have forgotten the time I lived
in cool dark water under the bridge,
white and slim and glittering with scales,
an ivory livewire in the deepness.

That was before the dumpling
with three days of your life fell
like a star, streaming a grape-cluster tail
of bubbles in its silent tumbling
into my mouth. I could have spat
but I swallowed in fright,
and a new-born woman was swimming through the air,
trying to find you, my ignorant dear,
still thinking you saved me from
my watery home.

Ten years married, and I know you wonder
if there is more snake in our child
than I think. They say he is the village’s best swimmer,
as if his blood remembers it once flowed
in a wetter, deeper place. I’m glad for you
that his face is like yours but somehow
when he moves he reminds me of
what I thought I didn’t remember. The love
between water and white scale lies
in my heart like a burnt-out star, deferred
for ten years. Now it flares each time our boy writhes
with a joy that has no need for any word.

*?  the Chinese character for ‘snake’
*?  the Chinese character for ‘worm’

Xu Xian

According to the legend of the White Snake, a dumpling sold by an immortal stuck in the throat of a little boy called Xu Xian. When it finally fell out, it was swallowed by a white snake spirit called Bai Suzhen. She then turned into an immortal woman and after 18 years, she went in search of Xu Xian and married him. The couple eventually settled down with their son and lived a normal family life.

I grew up in water. In the evenings
rain fell across the window
like a woman’s fishlines of hair
as I helped my older brother
with his maths homework.
On good days: scrabbling up rambutan trees
for handfuls of small red galaxies.

Before my mother died we visited a market
and I choked on a bean-paste dumpling
black and sweet as night.
She had to hang me over a drain,
thrashing my back until gobs
fell like grubby snow
and I couldn’t talk for hours.
Sometimes I wonder if
the words to change my life
are still floating like orphans
in that lamp-stained water.

The rest of my family swims every day.
After work I watch their shadows
from our fifteenth-floor condominium
drifting like dead fish.
Each week my son and I play golf in silence.
The white balls careen
like frozen tears on the ironed green.

Waterlights

According to the legend of the White Snake, Bai Suzhen (a white snake that turned into an immortal woman) bought a green snake which she turned into a young girl. She named her Xiao Qing, and she remained her companion even after her marriage. When an evil monk trapped Bai Suzhen in a pagoda, it was Xiao Qing who, after years of martial arts training, was the one to free her. Together they fought the monk, and after winning they went back to her family home and lived happily ever after.

I appeared in the story only because you
wanted me to. It was your pale hands
that lifted me, a whip of emerald,
from the marketplace basket, and it was your words
that writhed out a soul from my shine-crusted body.
So there I was, to the world something between
your friend and a maid. He tended
towards the former; he was nice, that husband
of yours. I remember the rain when we
first saw him - it lanced silver across your cheek
while I cried out in spite of myself, isn’t he the one?
You just smiled, holding his hand as you
stepped lightly onto the boat.
That, I tell people, is how it began :
love at first sight, silver flashing down your face
while I (everyone laughs here) vomited into
the spangles on the water.

It was never explained to him why I moved
into his new home ... I was just the giveaway
that had to be accepted with the amazing deal.
We got along in the end, and there was always
three of us at important events :
your child’s birth, the shop’s opening
and the inconvenient business you try not to remember.
But there was only me through the years
of perfecting my dance of death for you.
It was a rain of silver blades that I lived ten years in,
that quivered your pagoda-prison
into a thousand glittering shards. We won, of course. Now
it’s difficult at New Year visits; I ignore
your rhapsodies on family life
and the bachelors you invite to dinner. Now
your child thinks I’m his aunt; he pesters me
for stories of your life, but only my eyes
(when the tears melt him into your image)
tell him what you have forgotten:

Your face darted among the swords
like a river’s shifting light and we danced
in a rain of silver for the last time
together. Darling, I would have died for you
but I never had the luck.

L3 Forum was Sayoni’s first time participating in Indignation, and more importantly, the first Sayoni held a talk/forum for the public. For those who were not able to attend this event, this is a series of audio recordings of the event.

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L3 Forum Part 1: Introduction and Identity

The following parts will be put up over the next few days, in order to ease the load on the server.

Original article: http://www.plu.sg/indignation/?p=121

When do queer women realize that they are queer? How do they come out to the people around them? What do they think of long-term lesbian relationships? How are they prepared to deal with issues that come with aging?

Here are some of the questions addressed by four queer women from different generations, during the L3: Loving, Leaving and Living forum held on 5th Aug. The live forum was organized by Sayoni.com, the community for Asian queer women, as an Indignation 2006 event. The forum attracted an impressive turn-out of 105 audiences, mostly women, but including straight and gay men as well.

The speakers were chosen from different age groups: Elsa represented the early teens; Anj represented the early twenties; Jean represented the early thirties and Meiling represented the forties. The contrast in perspectives was shown through a series of questions, a spectrum of concerns pertaining to the lesbian community, discharged by a feisty emcee, Kelly.

The general atmosphere of the forum was light-hearted, with laughter bursting within the audience from time to time, because of the witty comments from the panelists. However, the discussion was nowhere near frivolous. The panelists shared their life stories and perspectives with such spontaneity and sincerity, which was indeed commendable.

The coming out experience of the panelists was all different in one way or another, painting a stark contrast of the social context they lived in. The younger panelists, Elsa and Anj are out to their families, and coming out was not a continuous internal struggle for them, as compared to their senior counterparts. Jean mentioned how she got her queer education in clubs because there was hardly any source of information in the past, before the internet was common and accessible. She even attempted to ask the audience who had heard of those clubs, and obtained no response, much to the amusement of all. Meiling spoke with incredible forthrightness, when she told the audience her struggles over the years and what it took for her to come out to herself.

Despite that society has come a long way and has made much progress over the years, coming out is still not a bed of roses for the younger generation. Elsa narrated her stories of coming out to friends who are fundamentalist Christians, and the pain she endured when she was asked to change her orientation, by the very people she cares for. The way she narrated her story was hilarious, and the audience erupted in laughter at certain points of time. However I felt a lump in my throat as I watched the bubbly teenager share her traumatizing experiences. It was heart-wrenching to see how much a typical gay/ lesbian youth has to go through in Singapore.

The panelists also discussed the various issues in the community, such as the use of labels in identity, the butch-femme binary, homophobia, relationships, growing old together etc. Certain highlights consist of the following: An unanimous definition of cheating- nothing beyond the mental space. Varying degrees of being out, proud and loud- Notably, Elsa and Jean believed in being out in every aspect of their lives and Anj shared about the initial maelstrom in the family before acceptance. Meiling emphasized that aging gracefully means that one should start financial planning as soon as possible.

It was refreshing to hear the different viewpoints of the women, and how dialogues, exchanges and consensus reign despite the differences. The differences also served to illuminate how much progress we have seen over the years.

During the question and answer session, the audience was a little apprehensive at first but warmed up in no time. They shared their viewpoints on 'internalized homophobia', which took on a more macro edge: fear of minority groups within the queer community. In a particular question, 'What are we fighting for, when people who accept you will nonetheless see you as not normal?' the speakers were quick to point out that if past activists were non-existent, the forum would not have been possible.

The responses from the audience were so effervescent; the emcee even had to request that they might continue the discussions after the forum has ended.

In their closing speech, the panelists gave their heartfelt wishes for the community. From helping gay and lesbian youths to urging people to stay connected with their extended families, I could sense their dedication and passion for the community.

Last but not least, the organization of the entire forum was laudable as well. I certainly appreciated that the organizers managed to set up a public address sound system, so that the panelists' speech could be clearly heard from the back of the room. This was extremely helpful, given the highly echoing characteristic of the big and high-ceiling room. Intricate details such as brochures, posters and refreshments all highlighted the resourcefulness of the organizing team.

All in all, the session ended on a positive note, inducing hope in dykes who were present. It represents a tiny but significant step towards greater exposure for and understanding from the general public. Voices were heard, issues were discussed, friendships were reinforced, and queer women of all ages came together to show that we stand as one. That is Indignation for you.

Cheers for more.

Coming up soon: Audio recordings of the forum.