Part 3

THE LAST

After 14 months, the relationship hit a rather serious rut where neither of us could work out our differences of timing and circumstances. It was a heart-rending decision, but we knew it would be better if we didn’t try to push things forward till it reached a cliff, for want of better metaphors.

But, if three strikes would mean I’d have to stay entirely out of the love-game, then my third serious relationship with S would effectively be it. From how we relate as two individuals in complete synchronicity in heart, mind and soul , I know I have met the one who’d fit my puzzle-piece.

With her, time seems to hold no significance because even when we first got together as friends and then lovers, we seemed to have traversed the world over and our roads converged at a complete understanding of soul-mates.

Our meeting would almost be destined though it never occured to me then that I would ever love again. At a charity event where we volunteered, I knew on first impressions that she was a lovely soul – something about the way she smiled, and her kindly disposition you’d trust on sight. What struck me later in her company was her sincerity, and how her experiences with love were so similar. We both came from very familiar places of love and loss. Significantly, I knew somehow that we would work out, only because we never really made too much of what we acknowledged, a little like a quietness in your heart where no words are needed.

In fact, words would do no justice for what we have, but all I can put here is we have a vision of a wonderful future where my children share a place in, because with her, I feel like I have come home to the soul I have denied for too long, and with her, I finally like who I am.

My children took to her as instinctively as I did, perhaps because they could trust her in the way I could. And it’s wonderful how the past months seem like years, as I’ve mentioned, time seems to have no bearing on how deeply we’ve grown together.

Coming out is not about lesbians only.
Coming out requires giving others a better understanding of double standards, of the concepts of diversity and the freedom to live in harmony with one another. It is about crossing boundaries… whether racial, religious, gender.. or sexual orientation.

After the forum organized by Sayoni during IndigNation, some people gave this feedback: The coming out stories are too rosy. They cannot identify with it.

Yes, coming out is a long-drawn process. Things don’t change over night…
The thing about people is..
They may understand what you are trying to say at that point in time; they may see the logic behind your stand.
But old habits die hard… and i find myself repeating when they automatically fall back on stereotypical cruel jokes on the queer community.

You see… our mind is filled with schemas. Which are elaborate networks of inter-related information. As people grow up, people group information together. Ideas like “lesbian” and “gay” elicit other ideas like “ephemeral relationships” and “bad”. So, each time we reason with someone, we are modifying the schema. But it is difficult to modify the entire schema at once.

Plenty of people have come up to me and gave me lines like: “You are so lucky that your mother understands.”

Yes, she understands. But no, she does not completely understand.
She understands that love is regardless of gender. She understands that straight relationships do not promise happiness, and that gay unions can provide sweet and loving companionship.
But there are certain mentalities that she holds on to… such as homosexuality is a hot trend. A trend that people can “catch” and precipitate the demise of the human race. And thus, flowing from this line, we should not allow gay people to be open about their sexuality.

Part 2

THE SECOND

Strange blessing in disguise it was almost a month later when trying to grapple with that love found and lost in an instant, the second girl stepped into my life. Let’s call her C. Yes, C was indeed the much needed healing from the after-shock of loss. She listened, unprejudiced to my ranting of having been beguiled into a relationship I had convinced myself existed.

Then we hung out a week later at a pub and for the first time, I didn’t just see her as that pleasant girl-next-door, nor that professional disposition at the club I worked-out at. Instead, here was a really amusing social creature who made her friends laugh, and who could drink anyone under the table. That evening, she had a lot more than any of us. Significant that evening was because not only did she invite me out of compassion for my lonely depressed 33rd birthday, but also I was made privy to a social side of her that was a delightful discovery.

So after supper, she started to feel really nauseated and managed to throw up all in her tummy. Whilst holding her tresses back as her friend helped her purge into a plastic bag, I saw the saddest and most vulnerable child in her who needed someone to take care of her, unlike the free and independent spirit I was first drawn to at her workplace.

The morning after started a series of more personal sms communication involving queries on her health and asking her to join me for an evening out at a Girl-party. And the evening at the party would be our significant private moments of mutual acknowledgment of interest. That evening I noticed her eyes a lot more for the first time and I kept looking away for fear that I may fall in love. Apparently it was the same for her because she could sense the tension. After the evening’s event, I walked her to the van and instinctively took her big gym bag while she held my arm. That sensation not only thrilled because of her physical proximity but more at the potential development of that future closeness.

The Sayoni Queer Women Survey 2006 has been closed to the public. We thank each and every single person who graciously spent their time doing this survey, and all the groups and individuals who helped promote this survey to the public.

The results of this survey will be out in a complete report in some time. Please be patient as we analyse the results. The report will be available for free download on this blog, so please check back for updates.