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Integrated Queeresorts

Written by Indu on . Posted in Humour

What would happen if our beloved government one day decided to legalise gay marriage? Pleinelune, the resident satirist, takes a hike through her imagination.

In 20 years, we would have exhausted every hub possibility we can think of: life science lah, tourism lah, arts lah - we are losing our edge! There is nothing we are  ‘superior ‘ to other countries in! Our economy is in grave danger!

Then, someone would suggest that we legalise gay marriage. We can be the new gay Hub in Asia! Which would bring in lots of money in tourism, as clearly, gay people are rich brats rolling around in money, just waiting to blow it on their wedding.

Which would of course, cause a huge hue and cry. There would be a heated parliamentary debate about this. The liberals would keep stressing how much money we would gain, how many jobs it would create ; and the conservatives would respond with how gay marriages are going to destabilise society and bring in ‘undesirable’ elements. It would cause an erosion of morals!

Then the debate embroils the whole country. People are discussing it everywhere: online discussion boards, schools, at the water-coolers- it is a hot topic! Stickers would be created which go ‘Gay? No!’. The country is essentially divided on the issue.

Then, just at the convenient time, a scandal would erupt, concerning someone on the death row, diverting everyone’s attention, during which, the final proposals for legalising gay marriage would be submitted to the parliament. After taking a not-so-random poll, the government would declare that majority of the country is okay with it, and having considered the benefits, it was going to go ahead and build not one, but TWO Registries of Marriage exclusively for gay people, complete with saunas, pubs and clubs. They would not be called gay marriage bureaus, but Integrated Queeresorts.

Over the next few months, several articles would appear in the newspaper about how much benefit the Integrated Queeresorts (IQ) would be to the economy. Then the government would announce several ‘preventive measures’ to stop ordinary citizens from falling prey to the evils of gay marriage. For example, queer citizens would have to pay $100 extra for the services provided at the IQ. Also, people would be advised to report their relatives to the IQ, if they suspect that they are addicted to homosexuality, so that the IQ can refuse them entry. ‘Inspiring’ articles would appear in the newspaper about people who recovered from their addiction to homosexuality. The IQ is for rich ang mohs: ordinary citizens better get married to a person of the opposite sex.

And don’t forget, make exactly 2.1 babies.


Laws of Lesbianism

Written by Indu on . Posted in Humour

Lost about the complex dynamics of lesbian relationships? Need some guidance? Let Pleinelune, the resident satirist, help you.

1. Thou shalt date your friends

2. Thou shalt either have deep, intimate but sexless relationships with your exes, or never ever talk to them again.

3. Thou shalt get down on your knees and prostrate everytime Leisha Hailey appears on TV.

4. Thou shalt talk about girls at every opportunity with your friends.

5. Thou shalt not date someone with the same hair

7. Thou shalt bring a U-haul to second date

6. Thou shalt bring a turkey baster to third date

8. Thou shalt just talk about feelings with your partner and take showers, all the time.

9. Thou shalt merge with your partner, in terms of clothing, hair, mindset and everything else, over the years, so much so that you look like twins.

10. Thou shalt have lesbian bed death no later than 5 years into the relationship

If Thou have not fulfilled all of these ten commandments, thou art a bad lesbian, and thou shalt not attain lesbian heaven, filled with beautiful girls, and thou shalt be thrown into hell filled with ugly straight men.

Why Activists Don’t Get Laid

Written by AnJ on . Posted in Humour

Otherwise known as an explanation for why I am still single

Activists are great people. Well, duh, I would say so, I am one. People like us work our butt off for the good of the community, so that all you mortals folks out there can kiss your girlfriends and not get arrested. But we activists have a major problem: we are single more often than not, sometimes, more often than all the time.

Clearly, there are reasons for this.

1. Gods Activists like us don't need companionship! We are strong, independent people who are able to survive without support. *thumbs nose*

2. The first thing when two activists get together is start debating. Which is all very nice and all, but it wears our tongues out, severely impairing our performance in bed - who has the energy to lick pussy when it has been wagging all day long? Or worse, the debate is online, and we have worn our fingers out too!

3. It is the second law of nature that no two activists have exactly the same viewpoint. [the first law is that activists don't get laid] Hence, us and our girlfriends/soon-to-be-exes, who are likely to be activists as well, will definitely have a war of words over issues like representational politics, identity formation, and acceptance of minority groups. Who has time to argue about money, roving eyes, and household chores when there are more pertinent issues like these to resolve? Nevermind the fact that after you fight about feelings, you still have a chance to kiss and makeup, something that completely goes out of the window when you reveal your political inclinations.

4. On Friday nights, we don't head to the gay clubs. We go for meetings to frame the bill for gay rights, never mind the fact that everyone else but you get to take advantage of civil unions that come out of this bill, since you've just broken up with your girlfriend over whether this year's Gay Parade should include a radical lesbian feminist group who all insist on wearing Jill Johnston masks.

5. When we see a good-looking girl, the first word that comes out of our mouths isn't, 'Hey there, good-looking', but 'Would you sign my petition?'

6. Assuming that girl was charmed by your passion and spirit, repeat steps 2-5, thumb nose at everyone for a few weeks, lather, rinse. And repeat.

So there.

Pleinelune writes this with her tongue firmly lodged in her cheek, and implores her fellow activists not to bash her, if they happen to be in happy, conflict-free, sex-rich relationships.


Written by Indu on . Posted in Humour

'Ugh. Straight men!'

Sounds familiar? Of course it does: many of us would have said in the past, in the same tone we denounce religious bigots or a particularly distasteful barbarian tribe. Men are our enemies, men are our arch nemesis, out to steal our girlfriends and exploit us through pornography. Men are clueless idiots who have no idea how to please a girl [and of course, you can do it so much better, can't you?] and only think of their penises. Men think that lesbianism is a phase and that lesbians just haven't met the right man.

Of course, sadly, many of these stereotypes are true. But not always. I came out with the help of a STRAIGHT male friend, who had absolutely no problems with me being gay. It is fair to say without him, I wouldn't be here typing this, because I'd be deep in my closet.

Rationally, any one would know that not all men are male chauvinist homophobes. Sadly, though, many lesbians continue to persist in their misoandric ways, though irrational. We lambast gay men for being misogynistic, but what about our own prejudices? How many times have we derided penises, the way gay men deride vagina?


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