The Honesty Policy

This begins a column on Relationships by moonflower.

Enters Lav, a masculine lesbian student in her twenties. Lav and her girlfriend had been together for a few months when she decided to tell her of her sexual past. Lav had a relationship, on and off, with a married man many years her senior. The relationship was a one-way sexual affair and never proceeded to intercourse. Lav had decided to break away from this clandestine relationship and was successfully faithful with her girlfriend. Lav’s girlfriend received the news with disbelief and the relationship descended rapidly into disintegration.

Is honesty always the best policy?

What should we come clean about?
What should be left buried six feet under?

In considering these questions, “consequences” is the word. If the issue is discussed or remains untold, can this issue directly or indirectly affect you or your partner adversely in time to come?

Some issues are best laid on the table. Presenting your children as your niece or nephew is a big no-no. Concealing health problems such as your doctor’s report telling you that you are likely to be dead in 10 years, a nearing two-year stint in another continent, or a psychopath-ex on your tracks with near death escapes for weeks… would be irresponsible to say the least.

For some other issues, honesty is a maybe. It pays to know the sensitivities of your current partner. If you want to share details of your cheating past, for instance, it might be good to know what her/his stand on past-cheating is. If she/he goes, “Oh, when you are young and wild, with hormones raging, mistakes can happen and everybody makes mistakes sometimes”, you have hope that you wouldn’t end up with a extra-paranoid, mega-possessive, green-eyed monster on your hands. Don’t leap into the air and go “yipee!” when you receive one answer though. Confirmation of her/his underlying attitude has to be multi-faceted. How does she/he respond to stories of friends’ cheating incidents; how does she/he react to movie scripts with cheating scenes?

Some issues are best left buried.
“Darling, do i look better than all your ex partners combined?”
“Honey, am i the best in bed?”

No matter who you are with, such questions always warrant a certain “YES!”… and without hesitation, may I add. You wouldn’t be outright lying, for no one is completely above another. You can go on to state parts of your partner you adore. “Oh, baby, I can get lost in those gorgeous eyes of yours”, “sweetheart, your ass is so much perkier and it turns me on,” or “your moans are so sexy!” Dispense liberally and seal with sweet-nothings. It doesn’t matter if your ex is a head-turner or a sex-bomb, such details are best spared, never to see the light of day. Especially if it hits a vulnerable part (if your partner hasn’t managed to get you on, for example).

Some of you may argue: But we are lovers! Lovers don’t keep stuff from each other!

There’s a difference between being reticent and being dishonest. Partner characteristics should weigh heavily on your decision to tell, or tell-not. If your partner is as lush as the rain forests of the tropics, why aggravate her/his feelings? Jealousy and insecurities can leave emotional scars that never-ending assurances can only hope to alleviate… at best. The past is not always indicative of the future. A relationship is between a current-you and a current-she/he. Some things are best left in the past… without resurrection.

Disclaimer:

This advice is for those who violated the expectations of monogamous relationships once or twice. This is not for those who violate the expectations of monogamous relationships repeatedly. If you are a “chronic cheat”, you are probably a mismatch with monogamous arrangements.