Not too long ago, i attended a forum held by the only inclusive church in Singapore. This forum, which focused on lesbian relationships, sparked off a series of thoughts in me.

Are lesbian relationships fundamentally different from heterosexual relationships. If so, in what ways? Essentially there were two schools of thoughts- yes and no. [Sounds deep, doesn't it?] Lesbian relationships are no different from heterosexual relationships. At its core, we have two persons loving each other and making their connection work. The elements are the same: open communication, honesty, a fantastic sense of humour etc. Yet, lesbian relationships MAY also be besieged by identity-conflict (in one partner or both), possible pressure from family/colleagues, and different degrees of out-ness between partners.

And then i had a revelation… Sort of.
A lesbian relationship, in and of itself, is simply a connection between two persons. It is external factors such as condemnation, as well as fear and confusion from this condemnation, that make sustaining a pairing between two women a feat greater than it should be. Think about this: if everyone recognizes same-sex love as LOVE, would anyone still be fearful or confused? Would any lesbian even need to think in profound terms what it means to be lesbian? Few heterosexuals out there… think carefully about what it means to be straight. They simply follow a script. Where there is no condemnation, there is no fear and confusion. You don’t even need to think.

When you are faced with someone who pursue you relentlessly… someone who is out to exact the maximum punishment possible for a misdeed you have intentionally or unintentionally done and regretted, what will you do?

Or you cannot repay because the payment asked for is beyond your capacity, what can happen then?

Consider this scenario:
Jessie and Kate had been together for the past 3 months. From the start, Kate was not sure of their relationship but she went in anyway. This led to other problems later. Their preferences have stark differences. Jessie cannot sleep without the aircon on but Kate cannot sleep without the aircon; Jessie thinks making random checks on Kate’s sms-es and emails is reasonable but Kate thinks it is an invasion of privacy. Unfortunately, they could not come to a consensus on these issues. For: “If you love me, you would want me to have good sleep!” and “If you are honest and faithful, what’s there to fear?” On top of these, Kate had been ridiculed over her dressing, her language proficiency etc.

Kate decided to leave the relationship. Jessie is irate… using guilt as a potent weapon. “How can you do this to me! I am so miserable over this… you are tearing my heart into shreds… !” Kate relented, remembering what Jessie had done in the past for her. It is important to note that at this point, Kate stopped perceiving Jessie as a romantic partner, but as a confidante. What Jessie is looking for… is a romantic partner. What Kate can provide is only companionship. Thus Kate’s inability to provide more is yet another base for condemnation. “You are playing with my feelings! How can you say you love me and not mean it?” This resulted in a vicious cycle of breaking and patching up. Breaking, as initiated by Kate, when things go beyond the threshold, and patching out of guilt on Kate’s part.

In such a situation, the best bet is to flee (debt flight).
Some emotional debts are overwhelming, such that the debtors feel that they cannot pay. (No, please don’t take to your heels upon reading this!)
To flee would mean physical separation from the creditor.

Welcome to part 3 of this series. In this section, we talk about how to identify relational debts in four simple steps.

1. Are there Problem Behaviors?
“I have never seen her so angry.”
“Everything she says drips with sarcasm.”
“She is exceptionally agreeable of late. She does everything that i like but that she hates…”

In such situations, it is important to feedback to your partner (or whoever you are dealing with) about her behavior. For example:
Ellen: “Why have you been so critical and irritable of late?”
Carol: “Nah, you are probably being over-sensitive.”
Ellen: “That’s not it. This morning you yelled at me for being 10 minutes late. You have never been angry over waiting.”

Ellen cites a specific incident and points out the discrepancy between Carol’s normal behavior and the problem behavior. This is a crucial step to recognizing that something is amiss. It also prevents the discussion from sliding into “you are over-reacting… no, you are really behaving strangly” cycle.

2. What are the underlying emotions?

Behaviors are an indication of emotions that lie beneath the surface. Some are more obvious than others. Example: Smashing of items generally reveals anger/frustration. Others are less apparent. Example: Being silent may reflect sorrow, anger, avoidance or fatigue.

Looking at the link between behaviors and feelings requires a sense of honesty. (Surprised?) Not all of us are self-aware and those of us who are… may not be self-aware in all situations.
Sometimes we are sarcastic but we pass it off as genuine laughter. Sometimes we tease out of resentment… but again, we may not be aware of the root emotion.

3. Determining if you are a creditor or a debtor.

How you feel is the best indicator.

Resentment: Irritation, Annoyance, Anger, Contempt, Rage, Hatred, Vengefulness.
You are a creditor.

Guilt: Sense of responsibility, Inadequacy, Regret, Remorse, Embarrassment, Shame, Self-hate.
You are a debtor.

4. Locating the origin of debt.

Emotional debts can happen in any relationship: romantic partners, spouses, family relations, friends and colleagues. Such relational debts need not be explicitly stated and agreed upon by both parties to have a profound influence over the relationship. In fact, as long as one partner perceives “debt”, the debt will continue to hold the relationship under seige.

Some people are prone to incurring relational debts while others frequently perceived debts owed in others. I am sure all of you will be able to identify acquaintances or others you have known in these “types” of relational debtors and creditors.

Let’s take a look…

1. People who see themselves as unworthy.
“As long as everyone is happy, i am happy.”
“Whatever your decision, it is perfectly okay.”
Such people always put others above themselves. They consider themselves unworthy of consideration or respect. Because of this mindset, they are always in debt. Such a person may have learned to be so from religious ethics of submission and accommodation. It can also be the result of an abusive childhood, where as a child, she/he was demeaned and criticized, such that it is difficult to form a positive identity. Children who are over-protected may also be part of this group if they internalised the idea that they are “weak”.

2. People who promise easily and yet do not deliver.
“No problem. I will take care of everything.”
“Just trust me… i will solve the problem.”
“Please don’t go. I will do everything you say!”
Such people are conflict-avoiders. They do not wish to deal with conflicts so they postpone the conflicts as long as they can. Cohen and Sterling suggest that children who grew up in a childhood of turmoil (e.g. physically abusive parents) may end up in this category. Such children may engage pacifying (as a means to avoid conflict) and distraction as coping mechanisms.

3. People who feel that other people are never good enough.