I’ve always found it uncomfortable attending family weddings and reunion dinners as an officially single person but family funerals are worse. Plus I never thought I would feel nostalgic for the days when people called me ‘Sir’ by mistake. Here, in this very cold room at my mother’s funeral wake, the staff of the Singapore Casket Company are calling me ‘Aunty’.

My Mum died alone. I know I should feel more upset than I do but I think it hasn’t sunk in yet. I didn’t realize people die so fast.
The problem is, we don’t schedule dying the way we schedule other family activities. When my mother died two nights ago, my brother was away on a business trip and I had gone to Phuket for a weekend to get over a break up; what’s known in the community as the annual break-up. The one that begins with, ‘Don’t you care about anything?’
, ‘Why do you have to be so intense about everything?’

Most inter-generational Singapore lesbian couples will probably know what I mean’of course you don’t have to have a younger partner to have problems, but if you do, they tend to be more ‘interesting’ and if you really want trouble, get involved with a young activist. (One thing I find amazing now is how breaking up takes so much longer and consumes so much more effort and energy than dying.) Pinky says people her age are the only ones doing anything because those my age don’t dare and those younger than her don’t care.

For the record I would like to point out it’s not that I didn’t dare join Pinky in that ‘getting the Singapore flag painted on gay bare body parts project (organised by her hero Alex Au’’Proud parts of a proud Nation’) it’s just that other things are important too, like not getting fired so you can earn a living and pay the mortgage’ also for the record I realize I’m starting to sound like my mother’s my late mother. Funny. I thought I never listened to my mother. Like she never listened to me. And apparently didn’t look at me.

My mother left me all her earrings; at least two dozen pairs, including the ones my grandmother left her. Gold studs, pearl studs, rubies, jade tear drops and a pair of diamonds set in white gold’all beautifully designed ladylike’pierced’ear lobes. I don’t have pierced ears. I don’t wear ladylike jewelry; I thought after forty-five years my mum would have noticed that. That’s why I was surprised I got the earrings. I wasn’t the only one.

Foreword by Yawning Bread

This is the “tall tale” that Ng Yi-Sheng was planning to relate on Sunday 5 August, at the planned event “Tall Tales and Short Stories” during the Indignation Gay Pride Season 2007.

The Media Development Authority (MDA) deemed such an event an arts performance, and insisted that the organisers obtain an arts event licence.

Yi-Sheng, who had planned something a little more spontaneous, then had to put down his story in words. As he told me,

“I had no inclination to write it in letter form until MDA demanded a licence application. My irritation with them imposing this system on us put pressure on me to create something *worth* their attention. And while I knew they’d probably ban it (as they did your photos), I was also completely aware that this was part of the game; that their action of covering their backsides by banning something they’re uncomfortable with (though for no specific reason) would backfire in the end, through enhanced public interest in a text that suggests that they’re gerontophilic paranoiacs.

“In short, I am not the victim here. They are.”

* * * * *

On 1 August 2007, MDA rejected Yi-Sheng’s text. He was not allowed to read it at the event. The MDA gave a one-line reason in their letter:

Lee Hsien Loong has spoken, echoing both his predecessors in his views on homosexuality. It is interesting how the Father, the Holy Goh and the Spirit all seem to come down on the same side of the fence, willing to decriminalise but seeming to hold back for the fear of the “conservative majority”¹

As of this moment, I will not deny that my morale is pretty low. It does not seem likely that the decriminalisation will take place in this penal code review. We neither have the time, nor the political climate, or rather, weather, on our side, given that the second reading is just 1 month away. In the first place, the announcement of the first reading took us by surprise, as it was originally slated to take place next year. By the time we learnt about it, it was too late.

A friend said to me…

“Anj, you are bisexual.”

He thinks i can swing both ways because of my past.
I once thought i was bisexual- judging from past behavior, i can be with a member of the opposite gender.
The thought lingered until i saw a more comprehensive definition of sexuality.

It’s here, in an article written quite a while back. “Preferred sexual activity” and “Preferred characteristics of sexual partners” said it all for me. I prefer women. It’s clear as day. My obsession for androgynous faces aside (which can include both genders), the most defining aspect of my sexuality is the distinct preference for female body parts. In fact, going by this definition, i can say with absolute confidence that i find the male physique unattractive. The bods in magazines, TV, everyday men… i have seen them all. The male body allures me at zilch point.

Dangle your average naked woman and average naked man before me, you will see my feet tapping steadily towards the babe.

“If you are lesbian, how can you be with guys?”

Because a relationship is not just about sex.
It’s about emotional connection as well. If i can communicate at a high frequency with a guy, spending time in his presence in myriad shared activities (e.g. movies, meals) is not unpleasant.

As i told many of my dear friends… i don’t see a difference between women and men beyond the physical. In my interactions with gals and guys, they are similar to me. [A reason why i cannot fathom male and female "energies".] The level of comfort is equal. The amount they offer in a conversation depends not on gender, but on their internal substance. You can see the same spirit or level of intellect or amount of passion… in a person, regardless of gender. As long as we don’t get into bed, i am happy interacting with both genders.

“Since you can be straight, why don’t you be straight?”

I cannot be straight.
I can force myself to behave sexually-straight at gun-point.
However, the sexual aspect of a relationship is fundamental to relationship health. As such, my preferred sexual characteristics of sexual partner is crucial to my well-being over the long term.

Thus the question is: Why should i act straight?
Why put on a facade for something that is so fundamental to my well-being… when it doesn’t hurt any other soul?

Anj is lesbian.