Over the years as my experiences grew, my thoughts on the word sexuality and what it meant to me has changed at least twice. It wasn’t just small minute changes. In fact, they were huge paradigm shifts. Quantum leaps from the ultra-conservative, to the modern, and now to the new-age.

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When I was a younger teenager, sexuality was a scary black and white word. There was only one definition of it, and that was straight. Constructed by society and enforced by everyone around you, I tried to box myself into that definition. I didn’t even know the word ‘sexuality’ then; I just knew I was straight. Haha. Crushes on girls were anomalies too horrific to confront. I just brushed them aside into semi-consciousness. Meanwhile, I started to cultivate myself a ‘taste’ in men. When fellow classmates gushed about guys, I talked about their bodies. But I mostly avoided the subject of love if possible.

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Fast forward to junior college, I came out to myself and others. Suddenly, sexuality was not an anonymous aspect of self anymore. I could no longer blend my sexuality in. But instead I felt compelled to wear it on my sleeve, like a crown of thorns or a tiara, depending on how you see it. Sexuality became’ the opposite of the shadow it once was. It was now an identity.

Lublub is a science student, lublub is a Christian.. ohh, I almost forgot’ lublub is a lesbian! *chuckle, why do we not hear straight people proclaiming heterosexuality as part of their identity?*

As a newly-self-discovered gay person, I was proud of my sexuality. I thought of it as a unique character trait. I’m more special… because of my sexuality. Sexuality then embodied many other aspects of me, such as my beliefs in freedom of choice and non-conformity. Sexuality is me. I was lesbian before I was Chinese or anything else.

Before I ‘discovered’ myself, I embarked on several relationships with men. Two became more serious while others were just dates that I went on. I was never unhappy with men but I was never quite complete. Something felt amiss. Like when we kissed, that spark wasn’t there. I’d often mused on this and deep down inside, I knew the reason for this. I tried really hard to supress these feelings. So much so that I was unhappy. It took me a lot to finally pluck up the courage and come out to my best friend. She is somebody I had known since I was 10. Her sms to me was simple – “It is okay. I still love you.” Then, after 5 minutes, I got another sms that said – “You’re my first gay best friend! Yay!”. I was grateful and thankful …

But I digress. So, I was talking to an ex. We keep in touch via the Internet as he is now in Canada pursuing his career. We talk regularly as regular as exes do. He is prolly the only ex bf that knows about me being with a girl. His response is always similar – that I am living out every male fantasy; to watch two girls making out would be ultra fabulous. At first, I found it amusing that he’d say that but when that statement is made again and again, I felt belittled. Did he just refer to my gf and I as a sexual fantasy?

It pains me to think that all men (straight men) think about when it comes to two girls being together is how good it’d be to get these two girls in bed. With them, mind you. How watching these two girls would ‘get them off’. Do they not realise that apart from that sexual image that is etched in their minds, there is love, trust, unity, longing for each other? All elements of a healthy relationship existing in this relationship as well?

My ex has even gone so far as to suggest a threesome. At that point, I felt like I had to put a stop to things. I told him quite gently and patiently that yes, I am going out with a girl whom I am deeply in love with and yes, perhaps it is a thought that is quite sexy and erotic in nature. However, this sexiness and eroticness is only to be kept between her and I in the bedroom or wherever else we decide to do it *grin* That I would never want to share my baby with anybody else, really. To engage in a threesome would taint the sanctity of our relationship. To engage in a threesome with an ex to satisfy his sexual fantasy would degrade my present relationship with my love.

I think people should be a little more respectful towards others. If you do that with straight people… why not with me and my girl. We deserve that same respect too.

Inspired by a search referral of these precise words which hit on this blog, I thought, hey, since some loser dyke is already googling for this information, might as well give it to her.

Alright. So you are feeling like Bette Porter on The L Word, watching your (ex)girlfriend make out with a man she met two days ago [albeit, hopefully not with leprosy on his back] So what do you do? This is my top ten list of things to do, not necessarily in this order.

1. Get drunk. Not on beer, not on those cheap vodkas, but wine, until you are totally wallowing in depression [wine has that effect]

2. Watch all the gay movies from 'Desert Heart' to 'Brokeback Mountain' back to back with a box of Kleenex in your hand.

3. Go to a silent retreat and stay there until you attain Buddha. Escape from the silent retreat when you can't stand it anymore, and scream all the way down the mountain

4. Call up all your friends and whine to them about your ex who just turned into Tina.

5. Call up your ex and promise her you'll try strap-ons if she comes back

6. Go on a I-hate-men rampage, and yell at your poor male subordinate for being a stupid, egotistical, penis-driven a******

7. Decide on a vow of vengeance and chase your ex and her new boyfriend all over town with a knife, 'Girlfriend' style. Don't forget to jump off the building at the end.

8. After you are discharged out of the hospital with a whole-body cast [being a dumb lesbian, you only jumped off at the 3rd storey], spend three days crying as your bed faces the picture of you two together on the table.

9. After you get better, you smash that picture.

10. You spend the next two weeks putting it back together, cutting your hand in the process. Bandage, and get drunk to get over pain. Repeat all 10 steps until you have purged your grief.

Or, you could just move on a get a new girlfriend. Hopefully you have better taste this time.

Long ago, scientists wanted to believe that women and men have different brains.

In the 19th century, it was argued that women are dumber than men because their brains were smaller. However, this argument was quickly abandoned when the question was asked if elephants were thus smarter because of their bigger brains. Later on, it was argued that the best estimate of intelligence was by dividing the brain size by body weight. However, this was also discarded when women were found to be smarter according to this method [1]. (It might be curious to note that although men’s brains are generally bigger; they lose brain tissue three times as fast with age. Factors uncertain at this point [2].)

The quest for the link between brain size and intelligence has fizzled out. Today, research is working on how the brains are organized and how sex differences in the brain might contribute to differences in behavior. It is hypothesized that different organization of the brain is responsible for behavioral differences between men and women, as well as sexual orientation.

Let’s start with some difficulties of generalizing results of brain research: